The wwe does the simpsons
by WWEBigeztFan
Summary: The wwe does the Simpsons, wierd. YES! This is my last new story before I have to update my others
1. Punk's Enemy Act 1

WWE does the Simpsons

Summary: Each chapter is an act in a simpsons episode with the wwe superstars and divas

Disclaimer: Only own Haylie (whenever she appears)

(Characters for ACT: 1)

_**Kent Brockman-Cody Rhodes**_

_**Mr. Burns-Edge**_

_**Smithers-Ted DiBiase**_

_**Homer-CM Punk**_

_**Lenny-John Cena**_

_**Carl-Kofi Kingston**_

_**Grimes-JTG**_

_**Marge-Mickie James**_

_**Clerk-Matt Hardy**_

_**Bart-Jeff Hardy**_

_**Auctioneer-Carlito**_

_**Milhouse-Primo**_

Punk's Enemy

(Act 1)

_Cody Rhodes delivers the news_

Cody: _(chuckling) _…. Which if true, means death for us all. And now, "Cody's People!" Tonight's inspiring story is about JTG, a thirty-five-year-old Springfieldianite who's earned everything the hard way, but never let adversity get him down.

_We see a young boy in a backseat of a car_

Cody: Abandoned by his parents at age four, JTG never got to go to school

_In fact, JTG is not in the car, he is stood behind as the car drives off. More pictures accompany the story. _

Cody: He spent his childhood years as a delivery boy, delivering toys to more fortunate children. Then, on his eighteenth birthday, he was blown up in a silo explosion.

_We see JTG running into a silo, which then explodes. Cut to JTG in hospital, bandaged from head to toe._

Cody: During his long recuperation he taught himself to hear and feel pain again. As the years passed, he used his last leisure moments each day to study science by mail. And, last week, JTG, the man who had to struggle for everything he ever got, received his correspondence school diploma in nuclear physics—with a minor in determination.

_An eagle tries to take the diploma from JTG, but he fights it off. We see Edge is watching the show._

Edge: That's the kind of man I need on my team, DiBiase. A real scrapper. A self-made man, like me. Bring this JTG fellow to me. I want to make him my Executive Vice President,

DiBiase: Yes, sir.

_The next day, Edge watches television again. Ted brings in JTG._

Edge: DiBiase, I've just seen the most heroic dog on television. He pulled a toddler from the path of a speeding car, and then pushed a criminal in front of it. Find this dog. I want to make him my Executive Vice President.

DiBiase: Uh, yes sir. In the meantime, here's JTG (_Edge stares blankly) _the self-made man?

Edge: What? Oh, yes, that fellow. Mmm, put him somewhere out of the way and find that dog!

DiBiase: Yes sir.

_At his workstation, CM Punk is spinning around in his swivel chair. John and Kofi enter._

CM Punk: Chair goes round, chair goes round

John: Hey Punk, you busy?

CM Punk: Yes

Kofi: There's a new guy at the plant. Uh, maybe we oughta say hi to him.  
CM Punk: Oh, I don't know, I'm kind of getting dizzy. I should probably go home sick.

_In his office, JTG arranges his belongings. Punk, John and Kofi press their faces against the office window, and then walk in._

Kofi: You new?

JTG: Yes, My name is JTG

John: I'm John, this is Kofi and Punk. I'm John

JTG: How do you do.

_Punk picks up one of JTG's pencils, spilling the rest of them on the desk.  
_Punk: Wow, you got pencils with your name on the, just like a pencil company executive. I'd give anything for one of these

JTG: (_taking the pencil back) _any office supply company can have them made up for you.  
Punk: Can I have this one?

JTG: No

Punk: Can… _(Thinks) _John has it?

JTG: No

_John and Kofi look at JTG's diploma._

JTG: Oh, that's my degree in nuclear physics. I'm sure you all have one.

John: Oh yeah, Kofi and I each have a masters. Of course, old Punk, he didn't need a degree. He just showed up on the day they opened the plant.

Punk: I didn't even know what a nuclear panner plant was.

JTG: _(forced laugh) _uh, yeah. Well, listen, I'm sure, you all have a lot of work to do.

_John and Kofi shrug and leave. JTG turns around and sees Punk is still there._

Punk: Hey, you seem like a great guy, so I'll give you a little tip. If you turn that security camera around, you can sleep and no one will ever know.

JTG: Uh, I don't think we're being paid to sleep.

Punk: Oh yeah, they're always trying to screw ya.

_Punk leaves. JTG shudders. At the DMV, Mickie is trying to get a personalized licensed plate; Jeff is with her, looking bored._

Mickie: Mickie is already taken! How about Minnie?

Matt: Uh. Sorry ma'am.

Mickie: Mmm… how about Mitzy?

Matt: Nuh-uh. Uh, you can have Nitzy.

Mickie: Hmm… Nitzy.

Jeff: I'm outta here.

_Jeff leaves. He walks into an auction of Tax Seizures._

Carlito: Ladies and gentlemen, our next lot is number seven-fifty-one. How much am I bid for number seven-fifty-one? Seven-five-one. Nothing? No bids for item seven-fifty-one?

Jeff: A buck!

Carlito: I got a buck, I got a dollar her, one dollar here… (_Continues talking very quickly in typical auctioneer-style) _Sold, for a buck.

Jeff: Cool, what I'd buy?

Carlito: 35 Industry Way.

_Jeff turns up at the property, which is an old factory._

Jeff: Looks like my years of hard work have finally paid off.

_It is lunch time at the power plant. Punk is in the canteen, when JTG enters._

Punk: Hiya Stretchy, what's the good word?

JTG: My name is JTG, uh, Punk. JTG. I took the trouble to learn your name, so the least you could do is learn mine.

Punk: Okay, TJG.

JTG: Uh, you're eating my special diabetic lunch,

Punk: Huh? (_Looks at the bag and chuckles) _Oh, I'm sorry.

JTG: The bag was clearly marked. Please be more careful in the future.

Punk: Check

_Homer takes a few more bites before handing it back to JTG. JTG tosses the remainder in the trash and walks away. Punk reaches out to retrieve it, but stops and looks innocent when JTG turns around to look. JTG then returns to his office, where he finds his pencils has been chewed._

JTG: Punk, do you know who chewed my—

_He sees Punk chewing several, and using one to clean his ears. JTG walks off, growling._

_Meanwhile, Jeff looks round his factory. It was very big and empty._

Jeff: Wow, it's filthy, and it's mine, haha.

_Jeff picks up a bolt and aims it towards a window on the far side of the room. It lands on the other side of the room. Jeff then sees an old swivel chair and a fire extinguisher. He wheels the chair into position, sits down and uses the fire extinguisher to jet-propel himself cross the factory floor and into the wall._

Jeff: Wheeeeeee!

_Back at the power plant, Punk enters JTG's office._

Punk: So, how's it going TJG?

JTG: I… I'd appreciate it if you'd stay out of my office Punk.

Punk: _(laughing) _Wish I had a nickel every time I heard that.

_Punk idly wanders around the office, whistling and making annoying sounds._

Punk (_singing) _Take me out out to the ball-game, take me out to the ball… Ah, what's new TJG?

_Suddenly, an alarm goes off and light's flash in Homer's workstation_ next door.

JTG: Punk, you've got a five-thirteen.

_Punk looks at his watch._

JTG: No, a five-thirteen. In your procedures manual… a five-thirteen?

_Punk looks at his watch again._

JTG: _(Pointing) _Look at your control panel!

Punk: _(looks) _Oh, a five THIR-teen, I'll handle it.

_Homer goes to his workstation takes a bucket of water and pours it on the console. This shorts it out and silences the alarms._

Punk: That got it.

_JTG looks in disbelief._

_Jeff sits in an office in his factory. Primo walks past. Jeff leans out of the window and whistles to him._

Jeff: Hey Primo! You want a job in my factory?

Primo: You don't have a factory!

Jeff: Hey, I'm a busy man. You want a job or not?

Primo: Okay!

_Punk wolfs down his lunch. JTG looks in disbelief._

JTG: God, he eats like a pig.

John: I don't know. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck.

JTG: Well, some kind of farm animal anyway. And earlier today, I saw him asleep inside a radiation suit. Heh, can you imagine that, he… he was hanging from a coat hook.

John: He had three beers at lunch. That would make anybody sleepy.

JTG: I've never seen him any work around here… what, what is his job?

John: Safety Inspector.

JTG: That irresponsible oaf? A man who by all rights should have been killed dozens of times by now?

John: Three hundred and sixteen times by my count.

JTG: That's the man who's in charge of our safety? It… it boggles the mind.

Kofi: It's best not to think about it.

_Punk reaches out for a drink, but picks up a beaker of sulphuric acid. He is about to drink it when JTG smashes it out of his hand and into a wall, causing the wall to dissolve._

JTG: Aah! You idiot! You nearly drank a beaker full of sulphuric acid!

Punk: Acid, eh? Jeez, that would've been stupid! (_Laughs) _Boy would my face would have been red (_laughs more) _

JTG: Stop laughing, you imbecile! Don't you realize how close you just came to killing yourself?!

_Edge and a dog wearing a sash labeled, "Executive Vice President" walks by. Edge sees the hole in the wall._

Edge: Who did this to my wall?

Punk: _Pointing to JTG) _He did.

Edge: Is this true?

JTG: Well, uh, technically it is true, sir, but—

Edge: Come with me.

Punk: _whispering to JTG) _He likes you.

_Punk gives JTG a thumb up. Cut to outside Edge's office, where we hear the conversation. The dog barks._

Edge: How dare you destroy my valuable wall! And spill my priceless acid! Did you really think you were getting away with it?

JTG: I wasn't—

EDGE: SILENCE! I am going to give you one more chance… and a reduced salary. So straighten up and fly right!

JTG: But sir if I c—

_The dog barks again. JTG confronts Punk  
Punk: Hey TJG, old buddy._

_JTG: I'm not your buddy Punhk. I don't like you. In fact, I hate you! Stay the hell away from me, because from now on, we're enemies!_

Punk: (_quietly) _Okay. Do I have to do anything?

JTG: Grrr!

_He shudders, then leaves_

_**Well, that's Act 1. I'm so sorry it was so long. R&R**_


	2. Punk's Enemy Act 2

_**WWE does the Simpsons**_

_**Act II**_

_**Characters for Act 11**_

_**Moe-Shad**_

_**Barney-Randy Orton**_

_**Lisa-Haylie**_

_**Maggie-Maria**_

_Punk is at Shad's_

Punk: Oh, I can't believe it, I got an enemy. Me, the most beloved man in Springfield.

Shad: Ah, it's a weird world, Punk. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me neither.

Punk: No, I won't accept that

Shad: Hah, it's true. I got their names written down right here on what I call my, uh, "enemies list"

_Shad reaches under the bar and brings out a piece of paper. Randy reads it. _

Randy: Jana Fonda. Daniel Shore, Jack Anderson… hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list. You just crossed out his name and put yours.

Shad: Okay, gimme that, gimme it back. (_Writes on paper)_ Randy Orton

Randy: Oh

Punk: Oh, what'll I do Shad?

Shad: Uh, why don't you invite him over to dinner? Turn him from an enemy to a friend. Then when he's not expecting it... bam! The old fork in the eye.

Punk: Do you think it might work without the fork in the eye?

Shad: There's always a first time.

_At the Simpson's home. The family is dressed up for dinner._

Punk: This dinner has got to be absolutely perfect, if I and TJG are going to be friends. (_Turns to Haylie) _Haylie be perfect.

Haylie: Ok

Punk: _(to Mickie) _Mickie. Perfect. _(To Jeff) _Jeff. Perfect. (_To Maria) _Other kid. Perfect.

Mickie: We only have 5 lobsters. Are you sure he's not bringing anyone with him?

Punk: No. No. He doesn't even know he's coming to dinner. I didn't think he'd even come, so I called and said I had something really important to tell him and that I could only tell him about it here.

_The doorbell rings and Punk starts flailing his arms._

Punk: It's him! It's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him!

Mickie: Calm down Punk! Calm down, answer the door.

_Punk opens the door._

Punk: (_nervously) _Welcome to the Brooks residence, or "casa de Brooks" as I call it, heh heh.

JTG: Yeah, what did you want to see me about, Punk? This better be important.

Punk: It is, it is, but first, let me introduce you to my, my perfect family. This is my wife Mickie…

Mickie: Hello.

Punk: And out beautiful baby (_Maria sucks her pacifier)… _my daughter Haylie, IQ a hundred and fifty six.

Haylie: _(curtsies) _Hi

Punk: See? And my son Jeff … (_Jeff winks) _He owns a factory downtown.

JTG: How do you do. Uh, Homer, I'm, I'm late for my night job at the foundry so if you don't mind telling me—

_He stops and notices the house_

JTG: Good heavens! Th-This is a palace! How c—how can, how in the world can you afford to live in a house like this Punk?

Punk: I don't know. Don't ask me how the economy works.

JTG: Yeah, but look at the size of this place! I… I live in a single room above a bowling alley and _(muttering) _below another bowling alley.

Punk: Wow!

_JTG notices some pictures on the wall._

JTG: I'm sorry, isn't that—

Punk: Yes, that's me alright. And the guy standing next to me is President Gerald Ford. _ (Pointing to the other photos) _And this is when I was on tour with the Smashing Pumpkins. Oh! And here's a picture of me in outer space.

JTG: You? Went to outer space? You?

Punk: Sure. You've never been? Would you like to see my Grammy award? _(Holds it up)_

JTG: No! I wouldn't! God, I've had to work hard every day of my life, and what do I have to show it? This briefcase and this haircut! And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance?

Punk: What?  
JTG: EVERYTHING! A dream house! Two cars! A beautiful wife! A son who owns a factory! Fancy clothes and _(sniffs air) _lobsters for dinner! And do you deserve any of it? NO!

Punk: _(Gasps) _what are you saying?

JTG: I'm saying you're what is wrong with America, Simpson. You coast through life, you do as little as possible, and you leech off of decent, hardworking people like me. Heh, if you lived in any other country in the world, you'd have starved to death long ago.\

Jeff: He got you there, dad.

JTG: You're a total fraud. A—a total fraud. _(Walks out, pokes his head back round the door way, and speaks to Mickie and the kids) _It was nice meeting you.

_JTG leaves again, slamming the front door._

_The next day, Jeff and Primo are at the factory again._

Primo: Wow. Adding machines. Industrial waste. What should we do with all this stuff Jeff?

Jeff: I think we both know the answer to that.

_The boys throw the machines into the barrels of industrial waste, and watch them dissolve. Later, Primo mops the floor. He pauses to wipe his brow._

Jeff: Get to work?

_Next, they stand a top a rickety stair case, rocking it._

Jeff + Primo: Wacky shack!

Primo: Better be careful Jeff. Look at those warning signs

_He indicates some sign on the "Wacky Shack" Jeff pulls them off and chucks them off the window._

Jeff: Solve your problem Primo?

Primo: Yep

_Mickie walks around the front of the house to find Punk sitting in his car in the drive way. She taps the window_

Mickie: Punk? (_Taps again) _Punk, why aren't you at work?

Punk: The car won't start. I don't fell very well today. I am at work.

Mickie: You're afraid to go to work because JTG will be there, aren't you?

Punk: That's crazy talk. You're crazy Mickie. Get off the road!

_He honks the horn. Mickie gets in the car_

Mickie: You'll have to face him sometime, and when you do I'm sure he'll be just as anxious to make up as you are.

Punk: No he won't. He hates me.

Mickie: He doesn't hate you. He just feels insecure because you're getting through life so easily, and it's been so difficult for him.

Punk: Yeah, yeah, that's his problem, he's a nut! It's not about me being lazy; it's about him being a crazy nut.

Mickie: Well… maybe. But I bet he would be less crazy if you were just a little more, um, professional in your work. _(Punk gasps) _Just a _little _more! Then he won't have any reason to resent you.

Punk: I'll do it! _(Pulls out a bottle of Duff) _To professionalism!

_Punk drinks the whole bottle._

_At work, Punk eats doughnuts at his work station… with a knife and fork. On his wall hangs a picture of him with the words: "Mr. Good Employee" on it. JTG walks past._

Punk: Good morning fellow employee. You'll notice that I am now a model worker. We should continue this conversation later during the designated break period. Sincerely, Punk

_JTG isn't impressed, and leaves. An alarm sounds at Punk's work station. JTG joins John and Kofi in the break room._

JTG: Can you believe that guy? He'd in his office making a pathetic attempt to look professional.

Kofi: Hey, what do you got against Punk, anyway?

JTG: Are you kidding? Does this whole plant have some disease where it can't see that he's an idiot? Look here? _(Points at a graph) _Accidents have doubled every year since he became safety inspector, and, and meltdowns have tripled. Has he been fired? No. Has he been disciplined? No, no.

John: Eh, everybody makes mistakes. That's why they put erasers on pencils.

Kofi: Yeah, Punk's okay. Give him a break.

JTG: No! Punk is not okay. And I want everyone in this plant to realize it. I would die a happy man if I could prove to you that Punk has the intelligence of a six year old.

John: _(To Kofi) _so, how are you doing?

_JTG begins to leave, but notices a poster on the bulletin board advertising a children's contest to build the best model of a new power plant._

JTG: Oh, here we go.

_Grimes take the notice to his office, where he carefully cuts away all reference to this being a contest for kids. Then he places the notices at Punk's station._

Punk: Oh, design your own power plant, eh? This is my chance to show everyone how professional I am (_to a picture of John on his desk)_ John, tell Edge I've gone home to work on the contest.

_As Punk gets into his car to leave, JTG watches through an upstairs window, laughing. Punk backs into JTG's car._

JTG: Oh god.


	3. Punk's Enemy Act 3

WWE does the Simpsons

Act III

Characters for Act III

Wiggum-Santino

Martin-Morrison

Ralph-Miz

Lovejoy-Finlay

_At the Brook's house, we hear sounds of sawing, hammering and Punk cussing from the basement. Haylie and Mickie are in the kitchen._

Haylie: Can I go downstairs and see what Dad's doing?

Mickie: I wouldn't bother him, honey. He's making some kind of model for a contest. He says it's really high-tech stuff that we wouldn't understand.

Punk: _(opens basement door) _Mickie, do we have any elbow macaroni and glue-on sparkles?

_At the factory, Primo pounds on a furnace. Jeff pulls the traditional steam whistle, indicating the end of the working day, and Primo gets ready to leave._

Primo: Oh boy! Quitting time!

Jeff: Just a minute, Colon. Somebody needs to guard this place tonight so it doesn't get trashed. _(Handing him a cap and baton) _How'd you like to be night watchman?

Primo: I'm sleepy.

Jeff: Ah, no problem. Here's a nickel for the coffee machine.

_Jeff gives him the money and leaves. Primo puts the nickel in the machine. It dispenses a cup and a rat (which runs off), then some coffee. Primo drinks the coffee, and then gazes around._

Primo: So, this is my life. At least I've done better than Dad.

_The next day, Bart heads back to the factory, to find a huge pile of rubble on the spot_

Jeff: Ah, jeez. Primo, how could you let this happen? You were supposed to be the night watchman.

Primo: I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, and then it fell over.

Jeff: Wow, I wonder where all the rats are going to go?

_Dozens of rats run out from under the rubber and into Shad's Tavern. We hear Shad's voice from outside._

Shad: Okay, everybody tuck your pants into your socks

_At the power plant, it's time for the model-building contest in the auditorium, Edge judges the models_

Edge: _(to the audience members) _… and the bold new ideas these tiny tykes unveil for us today could make thousands of jobs like yours… obsolete!

_There is some weak applause_

DiBiase: Our first little genius is Miz Wiggum

_Miz comes out on stage with a modified Malibu Stacy Dream House. _

DiBiase" It's pretty good sir.

Edge: Hot tub? Media room It's supposed to be a power plant not Aunt Beulah's bordello. Thank you. Get out. Next!

_Miz doesn't move. Santino calls from off screen_

Santino: Uh, Mizzie, get off the stage sweetheart!

_Miz takes the doll house and leaves. John Morrison is up next_

Morrison: Behold the power plant of the future, today!

Edge: Yuck. Too cold and sterile. Where's the heart?

Morrison: But it really generates power. It, it's lighting the room right now.

_He turns a knob, dimmi9ng the auditorium lights._

Edge: You lose. Get off my property. Let's have the next child.

_Punk brings his model on stage_

JTG: _(Calling from the audience) _look everybody! Punk's in a contest with children.

John: Hey, shh!

Kofi: You're making us miss the contest.

Edge: Could you explain your model, young man?

JTG: What's to explain, he's an idiot

John: Pipe down!

Punk: Well basically, I just copied the plant we have now.

Edge: Mm-hmm.

Punk: Then, I added some fins to lower wind resistance. _(Pointing) _And this racing stripe here I feel is pretty sharp.

Edge: Agreed. First prize!

_Edge gives Punk a blue ribbon and some money._

JTG: What?

Kofi: Way to go, Punk!

John: You're number one, Punk!

JTG: But it, it was a contest for children!

John: Yeah. And Punk beat their brains out!

_The audience cheers wildly._

JTG: Oh, I, I can't stand it any longer. This whole plant is insane. Insane, I tell you! Daahh! Aah!

_JTG runs out of the auditorium, and into an equipment room._

JTG: I can be lazy too!

_JTG takes his tie off, and moons one of the technicians._

JTG: Hi, look at me; I am a worthless employee, just like Punk! Give me a promotion!

_JTG walks into the break room, and grabs two donuts from the box._

JTG: Ooh, I eat like a slob, but nobody minds!

_JTG scoffs down the donuts, and then heads to the bathroom._

JTG: _(off screen)_ I'm peeing on the seat. Give me a raise!

_JTG emerges from the bathroom and waves his hands in Punk's face._

JTG: Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands. But it doesn't matter, because I'm Punk!

_JTG runs to Homer's workstation and spins around in the chair._

JTG: I don't need to do my work, 'cause someone else will do it for me. _(Slaps himself on the forehead)_ D'oh! D'oh! D'oh!

Punk: Hey, you okay, TJG?

JTG: I'm better than okay, I'm Punk.

Punk: _(chuckles)_ you wish.

_Edge walks in._

JTG: Oh, hi, Edge. I'm the worst worker in the world. Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster!

_He sees some dangerous-looking wires on the wall._

JTG: What's this? _(Reads sign)_ "Extremely High Voltage"? Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Pu--

_JTG grabs the wires and is electrocuted. The scene cuts to JTG's tombstone - it is his funeral. Finlay delivers the eulogy._

Finlay: JTG, or "TJG," as he liked to be called, taught us that a man can triumph over adversity. And even though JTG's agonizing struggle through life was tragically cut short, I'm sure he's looking down on this right now...

_Lovejoy's voice fades as we see sleeping Punk._

Punk: _(snores)_ Change the channel, Mickie!

_The mourners laugh._

John: That's our Punk!

_Everybody laughs as JTG'S coffin is lowered into the ground._


	4. Jeff, The Mother Act 1

WWE does the Simpsons

Act I

Characters for Act I

Homer-Punk

Marge-Mickie

Bart-Jeff

Lisa-Haylie

Maggie-Maria

Nelson-Batista

Milhouse-Primo

Teenager-Jack Swagger

Jeff, the mother

(Act 1)

_At the Brooks home, Punk calls everyone together_

Punk: Mail call! Gather around everyone! All right, one for… resident

Mickie: That's me!

Punk: Well, that's it.

Jeff: One stinking letter? Why'd you make us gather around like this?

Punk: I needed my power fix. _(Sighs with pleasure) _

Mickie: Hey, listen to this? _(Reads the letter) _"Congratulations, your child, or children, have been selected to appear in "Who's Who among American Elementary School Students."

_Punk gasps, then belches_

Mickie: "Please submit their names, along with ninety-five dollars, for each handsome volume you wish to order!" Oh, I've never been so proud! _(Kisses both of them) _You both deserve a big, big reward!

Haylie: Mom, they put every kid in America in that book, just so gullible parents will but it. It's all a big scam.

Jeff: _(Quietly to Haylie) _shut up…

Mickie: Are you sure? I can usually smell a scam from 2 towns over

Jeff: _(winking at Lisa) _Yeah, Hay, she is a smart, sophisticated woman. Now, let's hear more about that big, big reward.

Punk: Yeah, quit stalling, Mickie, we want our reward

_The Brooks arrive at the Family Fun Center._

Mickie: One reward, coming up! Tada!

_Everyone cheers. The family park and get out of the car._

Punk: Oh man, it feels good to get out of that car. Ooh, go-karts! Come on everybody, let's go!

_The family, Batista and Primo drive around the go-kart track_

Punk: Hehehehe, Look at me Jeff! I'm driving!

Jeff: We're all proud of you Dad

_Haylie tries to get past Mickie_

Haylie: Move it, pokey

Mickie: Slow and steady wins the race! _(Haylie and the others pass Mickie twice each) _Easy, easy, stick with the plan

_Batista is passing Primo, who is wearing a crash helmet. He bumps into Primo and knocks him over, but he bounces back up off the side cushion_

Batista: Uh, are you alright, man?

Primo: Uh, I think so/

Batista: How about now?

_Batista bumps him harder and primo crashes_

Primo: Aah!

Mickie: That was no accide3nt. Shame on you Batista!

Batista: Cram it, ma'am

_Haylie and Jeff watch Punk try out the batting cage_

Punk: Stand back and watch the pro

Haylie: Uh, shouldn't you put on a batting helmet?

Punk: Nah, they mess up my hair

_Punk puts a coin in the machine, and it fires a ball at him. He misses_

Punk: Ooh, ball one. _(He misses again) _Ball two. This bozo's gonna walk me. _(Ball hits him in the head) _Hey! You're going down, you—_(hit) _D'oh! _(Hit) _Why you—_(Hit) _Ow!

_He falls to the ground and several more balls hit him_

Haylie: Hang in there, Dad, just half a basket left!

Jeff: Wow, you sure got a lot of balls for a quarter

_Haylie plays skee-ball. She bowls the ball, and Maria, sat on the top of the machine, catches it and puts it in the middle hole._

Haylie: Yes! Maggie you!

Batista: Hey, that's cheating!

_He takes the machi9ne and pulls out a roll of tickets. Jeff is at the counter._

Jeff: Okay, what can I get for twelve, count them, twelve prize tickets?

Jack Swagger: Two thumbtacks and a moustache comb. Or five rubber bands and an ice cube

Batista: What can I get got eight thousand tickets?

Jack Swagger: A BB gun or an Easy bake oven.

Batista: Hmm… hot food is tempting. But I just can't say no to a weapon

Jeff: Whoa! Can I try that out sometime?

Batista: Yeah, sure. Never hurts to have a second set of prints on a gun

Jeff: Wow, thanks, Batista. I'll come by your house later!

Mickie: Oh, no you won't! You stay away from Batista

Jeff: But Mom!

Mickie: Nelson's a troubled, lonely, sad little boy. He needs to be isolated from everyone.

Jeff: But Mom!

Mickie: Yes?

Jeff: That's all I got

_Back at home, Haylie talks to Jeff in his room_

Haylie: So, what prize did you end up getting?

Jeff: Moustache comb, what did you get?

Haylie: Fake moustache, want to comb it?

Jeff: Oh, this sucks. It's time to punch out of this yawn factory. I'm going to Nelson's

_He jumps out of the window, onto a tree branch_

Haylie: But mom said not to

Jeff: She doesn't scare me. I do what I want, when I want. (_Brushes himself off) _Oh God, inchworms!

_Jeff arrives at Batista's house. Batista carves a message on the wall. It reads, "Mom-Dad called Re: Bail"_

Jeff: Won't you get in trouble if your Mom sees you doing that?

Batista: Eh, my mom's got bigger problems. She doesn't give a crap what I do

Jeff: Wow, you are so lucky

Batista: Come on, let's lock and load _(stops Jeff) _you're not going out without a scarf, are you?

Jeff: Nah, I don't need one.

Batista: Eh, it's your health

_In the backyard, Nelson practices shooting_

Batista: Think I can hit the bottle?

Jeff: Yeah, probably

_Batista shoots and hits the bottle_

Batista: Shows what you know. Hey, check this out! _(He shoots at an old car) _That's my dad's shooting car. Just three more payments and it's ours

Jeff: Aw cool! Can I get a shot now?

Batista: Hang on! First how about I try and peg you in the stomach?

Jeff: Mm, no thanks.

Batista: Or what about you put on these nerd glasses and I try to shoot them off?

Jeff: No way! Come on, quit hogging the gun!

_The boys notice a bird singing in a tree. Nelson gives Bart the gun._

Batista: Bet you can't hit that bird from here.

Jeff: Are you crazy? I don't want to shoot a stupid bird.

Batista: That's 'cause you know you can't. You're not a super-stud like me!

Jeff: Am too!

Batista: Are not! You're an octo-wussy. _(Mocking Jeff)_ Whoa, look at me, I'm Jeff Brooks! I'm scared to use a gun! I'm gonna marry Primo! I walk around like this. _(He dances)_ La, la, la, la, la, la...

Jeff: Hey, quit it! Hmm...

_Jeff aims the gun towards the bird. He lines it up, but then moves it to the right and fires. He hits the bird, and it falls to the ground._

Jeff: Oh my god!

Batista: Whoa, major shot! You even compensated for the crooked sight!

Jeff: Crooked sight?

Batista: You are one cold blooded killer, dude!

Jeff: But, but, I wasn't... I didn't...

_Batista runs over to examine the bird._

Batista: Right through the neck! _(He whistles.)_ Doesn't get any sweeter than that, Brooks. Savor the moment.

Jeff: Oh...


	5. Jeff, The Mother Act 2

WWE does the Simpsons

Act II

Characters for Act II

Troy McClure- Christian

Billy-Jericho

Librarian-Melina

Toucan-Sim Snuka

Eagle-Manu

Vulture-R-truth

_At home, Punk and Mickie fold laundry. Punk hands Mickie a ball of socks._

Punk: Okay, I rolled up all the socks, what's next?

Mickie: _(groans)_ While I deal with this, why don't you start on that basket?

Punk: All right... oh, I hate folding sheets.

Mickie: That's your underwear.

Punk: Well, whatever it is, it's a two man job. Where's Jeff?

Mickie: He's up in his room. _(calls upstairs)_ Jeff!

Punk: It's okay, Mickie, I'll get him. _(yelling very loudly)_ Jeff!!

Haylie: _(walking in)_ What the heck's going on?

Mickie: We need Jeff to help fold your father's underpants. Where is he, anyway?

Haylie: Jeff? Uh, he went to play with a friend.

Mickie: He didn't go to Batista's, did he?

Haylie: No, no. I'm pretty sure he's with Primo.

Punk: _(leaning out the window and yelling even louder)_ PRIMO!!!

Primo: _(yelling from a distance)_ WHAT?!!

Punk: TELL JEFF TO COME HOME!!!

Primo: I THINK HE'S AT BATISTA'S!!!

Punk: WHO'S BATISTA?!!

Mickie: Batista?! I explicitly forbade Jeff from playing with that little monster. Ooh, Jeff is in deep, deep trouble. _(she starts to walk out, then turns back to Punk)_ Oh yes, and punish Haylie for lying to us. _(she leaves)_

Punk: _(giving Haylie some money)_ Alright young lady, I want you to march yourself directly to the corner store and get me some chips and a soda! _(he pauses then gives her more money.)_ Get a little something for your self, honey.

_Back at Batista's. The boys examine the bird._

Batista: Should we bury it, or chuck it into a car full of girls?

Jeff: Hey, leave it alone!

Batista: Okay, okay, don't kill me, killer.

Jeff: Don't calling me that!

Batista: Relax, Brooks, it was either him or you. No court would convict you.

_Jeff imagines himself in court, with birds as the judges._

Manu: Jeff Brooks, do you know why you've been summoned before this tribunal?

Jeff: Yes, sir. Because I killed an innocent bird.

R-truth: Dear Lord! We just wanted you to put fresh newspaper on the tribunal floor!

Manu: We're knee-deep in our own droppings. It's disgusting.

Sim Snuka: But since you've confessed to bird-slaughter, we have no choice but to peck your face off.

Jeff: No, not the face! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

_The birds peck him in the face. The scene fades back to Batista's backyard, where Batista repeatedly slaps Jeff across the face._

Jeff: Ah! Ah! Ah! Ow, what are you doing?!

Batista: Eh, I got bored, so I started slapping you.

_Mickie pulls up in the car. Jeff stands in front of the dead bird to hide it from her._

Jeff: _(gasp)_ Uh oh!

Mickie: Young man, you're coming home with me this minute.

Batista: All right, finally, a real home!

Mickie: Not you... Jeff!

Batista: Oh. See you later, Killer!

Mickie: "Killer"? Why did he call you "Killer"?

Jeff: Mom, you were right. Batista is bad news. Can we go home?

Mickie: What are you hiding there?

Jeff: Nothing! _(some cats congregate behind him)_

Mickie: What are those cats doing behind you?

Jeff: Uh... cats like me? _(a cat jumps from the tree onto his shoulder)_ Get... get off! Get off!

_All the cats run away, leaving the dead bird exposed._

Mickie: _(gasp)_ Jeff! Did you kill that poor bird?

Jeff: I didn't mean to, Mom. The gun pulled to the left--

Mickie: You disobeyed me, snuck over here, and murdered a helpless animal?

Jeff: I know, I really screwed up. I deserve to be punished.

Mickie: What's the point, Jeff? I punish, and I punish, and I punish, but it never sinks in. So you know what? Do what you want. You wanna play with little hoodlums, fine. Have fun killing things.

Jeff: Mom, wait!

_Mickie drives off. Jeff turns back to Batista's house. Batista is frying a carrot and humming the Brooks theme. He then notices a nest, with eggs in, up in the tree._

Jeff: Oh my god! _(he climbs the tree)_ Hi little eggs. I'm not sure how to tell you this, but... y-your mother was involved in an incident. Mistakes were made... by me. But don't worry, I'll take care of you.

_Jeff takes the eggs. He visits The Chicago Library, where he watches a film called "Birds: Our Fine Feathered Colleagues". Christian stars._

Christian: Hi, I'm Christian. You may remember me from such nature films as "Earwigs, Ew!", and "Man Versus Nature: The Road to Victory". In all the animal kingdom, no mother is more devoted than the blue jay. Valuing her eggs above even her own life, the mother bird regularly fights off such fearsome predators as the badger and the mongoose.

_In a tree, Christian puts a badger and a mongoose on the branch next to her. The mother chases them off._

Christian: Of course, one thing Mother blue jay can't defend against is a set of steel tongs.

_He lifts the bird out of the nest with the tongs, revealing the eggs. _

Christian_: _Eggs. Precious eggs. If they're to survive, they require the gentle warmth and tender love that only a mother can provide. Or better yet, a seventy-five watt bulb.

_In a laboratory, Troy places the eggs into a glass box, lit with a light bulb._

Christian: Oh, hello! In a few days, our eggs will hatch into nestlings, like these over here.

_He walks over to a cage of nestlings. A boy enters the scene._

Jericho: They look awfully hungry, Mr. Christian.

Christian: They sure are, Jericho. In nature, their mother would regurgitate food for them to eat.

Jericho: That's gross!

Christian: _(laughs)_ It sure is, Jericho. It sure is.

_The film ends. Jeff writes a few things down, and leaves. He passes Finlay , checking out a book._

Melina: You've checked out this Bible every weekend for the last nine years. Surely it would be easier just to buy one?

Finlay: Perhaps, on a librarian's salary.

_In the tree house, Jeff sets up the nest as on the video._

Jeff: Hey fellas, good news! I found an extra seventy-five watt light bulb lying around!

_In the house, Punk carries a box to the basement, whistling. He switches the light on, but it does not come on and he falls down the stairs._

Punk: D'oh!

_When he reaches the bottom, he starts whistling again._

Jeff: Check it out guys, I've been working on this regurgitation thing. _(he makes a choking sound)_ Oh yeah, hope you like Pop Tarts! _(looking at the eggs)_ I think I'll call you Chirpy Boy, and you Bart Junior. And you can call me Mother. No, wait, that sounds kinda fruity. Just call me Mom.

_Jeff protects the eggs. He moves the light bulb closer when it is too cold and protects the eggs from the rain with a parasol. Punk falls down the basement stairs several times during this sequence. Finally, Jeff appears from the trapdoor to hose the cat when it gets too close. The cat runs into the kitchen, shakes itself off onto the dog, who in turn shakes himself off onto Punk. Punk shakes himself off and gets a beer._

Mickie: What do you think he's doing up there?

Punk: I don't know. Drug lab?

Mickie: Drug lab?!

Punk: Or reading comic books, what am I, Kreskin? You tell me what he's doing.

Mickie I don't know, and I don't want to know. And I'm going to find out.

_Mickie walks outside and sees a cable running up to the tree house._

Mickie: Oh, my good gray extension cord!

_She unplugs it. In the tree house, the light bulb goes out._

Jeff: Oh, no! I've got to keep these warm.

Mickie: _(calling up)_ Jeff, stop whatever you're doing and come down here!

Jeff: Can't right now! Come back later.

Mickie: _(climbing tree)_ Oh, I'll come back later. _(reaches top)_ How's this for later?

Jeff: Mom, listen--

Mickie: Why are you sitting like that? What are you hiding this time?

_Jeff moves away to reveal the eggs._

Mickie: Eggs?

Jeff: That bird I killed was their mother. I don't want her babies to die, too.

_Mickie prepares to tell Jeff off, but can't do it._

Mickie: Hmm, oh, oh honey come here.

_She hugs him, but notices one of the eggs hatching._

Mickie: Oh my goodness, look!

_In the kitchen, the eggs are sat on a table._

Punk: Oh man, this is the most exiting thing I've ever seen since Bailey's comet collided with the moon.

Haylie: That never happened, Dad.

Punk: Sure it didn't...

Jeff: Is the nest still warm enough, Mom?

Mickie: Hmm, they're starting to cool down. I'll bake another pie.

_She pulls out a pie from underneath the nest. Homer grabs it._

Punk: Ooh, how about cherry this time? And would it kill ya to make some coffee?

_The family stare at the eggs._

Punk: Why's it taking so long? Jeff was born in about five minutes.

Mickie; Actually, it took fifty-three hours.

Punk: Really? Well, the time just flew by, didn't it?

_Mickie groans. Later, the eggs start to hatch._

Jeff: Everybody come quick! They're hatching!

Mickie: I see a foot!

Haylie: I see an eye!

Jeff: I see a neck!

Punk: I see a horn!

Haylie: A horn?

_Two lizards hatch from the eggs, looking cute._

FAMILY: Aw...

_The lizards suddenly turn and hiss at them._

FAMILY: Aah!


	6. Jeff, The Mother Act 3

_The family looks at the lizards._

Jeff: Man, those are some funky-looking birds.

Punk: Oh, hehehehehe, you look like a little tiny dinosaur. (_He touches one, and it bites his finger.)_ Aah! This is one vicious baby bird.

Haylie: Dad, they aren't birds.

Jeff: Sure they are. They came from eggs in a bird's nest. Therefore, they're birds. Ikso fatso.

Haylie: One, they don't have beaks, two, they don't have feathers, and three, they're lizards!

Jeff: You're a lizard!

Punk: Enough fighting! I know how to settle this.

Mickie: No kickboxing!

Punk: Aw... _(Takes the pie)_ if anybody wants me, I'll be eating alone in the basement.

_He walks out, and falls down the basement stairs yet again._

_At a local bird-watching society. Big Show leads the discussion._

Show: Now, uh, people. There's been some confusion about our bird sighting rules. You cannot count birds that you've seen at the zoo, on stamps, or in dreams.

Shad: Well, I'm back to square one.

_He tears up his piece of paper. A pigeon lands on the window sill. MVP looks at it through binoculars._

MVP: My god - a pigeon. That's the last bird on my list. Heh. So long, suckers!

_He leaves, and Jeff, Mickie and Haylie enter, with the lizards._

Jeff: Excuse me, can you tell us what type of birds these are?

Show: Good heavens! I'm very glad you brought those in, Jeff. I'll just get them killed, and you can be on your way.

_He puts the lizards under a paper cutter and is about to kill them, when Jeff snatches them back._

Jeff: Hey! What the heck are you doing?

Show: _(holding up a notepad)_ my civic duty, that's what.

Haylie: _(reading notepad)_ Bolivian Tree Lizards?

Show: Mm-hmm. It's a vicious ovoraptor. It feasts on bird eggs and lays its own in the nest. The unsuspecting mother bird cares for them until the babies hatch and... Devour her too.

Shad: _(laughing)_ what a chump!

Show: It's already wiped out the Dodo, the Cuckoo, and the Ne-Ne, and it has nasty plans for the Booby, the Titmouse, the Woodcock, and the Titpecker.

Mickie: How vile!

Show: The one thing that mystifies me is how a Bolivian Tree Lizard made it to Chicago.

Birtchel: _(coughs, looking shifty)_ that... is puzzlement...

_The scene dissolves to the corner store some time ago. Paul opens a box of donuts from Bolivia. Two lizards escape from the box and leave the store. Back to reality, where Birtchel still looks shifty._

Edge: Look, DiBiase, we haven't got all day. Kill the horrid beasts... and do away with their lizards.

Jeff: No, don't hurt them! I'll just keep them as pets.

Show: No, they might escape and breed. The law is very clear on this; they must be exterminated as quickly and gruesomely as possible. _(Holds up an electric drill)_

Jeff: No, they're mine!

Mickie: I'm sure we can work this out. He's just a child. Let me talk to him.

Show: All right, I'll give you a moment. That'll give us time to prepare for the splatter.

_Several people put on safety goggles. Mickie takes Jeff outside and shuts the door._

Mickie: Bart, I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do. Your lizards are banned by federal law.

Jeff: Everyone thinks they're monsters. But I raised them, and I love them! I know that's hard to understand.

Mickie: Not as hard as you think. _(Whispering)_ Run for it.

Jeff: Really?

_She nods. Jeff gives her a kiss and runs off. Show opens the door._

Show: _(looking at his watch)_ Okay, that's exactly one moment-- _(gasps)_ Oh my God, he's getting away!

DiBiase: Stop him!

Shad: Out of the way, Nickie.

Mickie: _(blocking the doorway)_ Oh, am I in the way?

Edge: Yes, yes, you're in the way! Are you daft, woman?

Mickie: _(still blocking the doorway)_ Sorry, I didn't realize I was in the way.

Show: You're still in the way. You don't seem to be moving at all.

Kelly-Kelly: Oh, for crying out loud, just knock her ass down.

_She pushes Mickie aside._

Shad: Way to shove, Kelly.

Birtchel: Let us roll.

_Jeff, hiding in an empty room, talks to his lizards._

Jeff: Guys, is it really true? Are you really egg-killers? _(They look at him innocently)_ Don't use that look on me, I invented that look.

_The bird-watching society burst in. Edge looks through binoculars from the wrong end._

Edge: There he is! Off in the distance!

_Jeff runs up the stairs, and onto the roof._

Show: Okay Jeff. This is where it ends. Relinquish the lizards. _(Jeff turns away)_ I said, relinquish!

_Show grabs the box, and they struggle. He pulls the lid off, and the lizards fly off the roof._

Jeff: Oh no! You killed them!

Show: Good riddance to bad lizards.

_Suddenly, the lizards spread out some flaps and glide to the ground._

Jeff: Hey! Whoa, look at them! Go Chirpy Boy! Go Jeff Junior!

Show: Oh, nuts!

Haylie: Wow, did you know they had those webbed flaps for gliding?

Show: Yes. But I was hoping they didn't know that. _(The lizards reach the ground and run off)_ Well, I hope you're happy, Bart. You have no idea what kind of plague you've unleashed upon this town.

_Cody Rhodes reads the news._

Cody: Our top story, the population of parasitic tree lizards has exploded, and local citizens couldn't be happier! It seems the rapacious reptiles have developed a taste for the common pigeon, also known as the 'feathered rat', or the 'gutter bird'. For the first time, citizens need not fear harassment by flocks of chattering disease-bags.

_Later, Jeff receives an award from Mayor McMahon outside the town hall. Several lizards slink past._

Vince: For decimating our pigeon population, and making Chicago a less oppressive place to while away our worthless lives, I present you with this scented candle.

_Show talks to Haylie._

Show: Well, I was wrong. The lizards are a godsend.

Haylie: But isn't that a bit short-sighted? What happens when we're overrun by lizards?

Show: No problem. We simply unleash wave after wave of Chinese needle snakes. They'll wipe out the lizards.

Haylie: But aren't the snakes even worse?

Show: Yes, but we're prepared for that. We've lined up a fabulous type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat.

Haylie: But then we're stuck with gorillas!

Show: No, that's the beautiful part. When wintertime rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to death.

_The family head back to the car._

Punk: I'm proud of you boy. _(Sniffs candle)_ Mmm... Loganberry.

Haylie: I don't get it, Jeff. You got all upset when you killed one bird, but now you've killed tens of thousands, and it doesn't bother you at all.

Jeff: Hey, you're right... _(Pause)_ I call the front seat!

Haylie: You had it on the way over!

_As the kids fight for the front seat, a pigeon is dragged to the ground and killed by a group of lizards._

_**Sorry for not posting this at the top[**_

_**Here are the characters for act III**_

_**Skinner-Big Show**_

_**Jasper-MVP**_

_**Edna-Kelly**_

_**Apu-Paul Birtchel**_

_**Quimby-Vince McMahon**_

_**Read and Review**_


	7. The Devil and Punk Brooks

_Jeff wanders through an art gallery, with many scary paintings of the Brooks family behind him._

Jeff: Paintings: lifeless, images rendered in colourful goop. But at night, they take on a life on their own. They become portals to hell, so scary and horrible and gruesome that—

Mickie: JEFF! You should warn people that this is very frightening. And maybe they'd rather listen to that old "War of the Worlds" broadcast on NPR, hmm?

Jeff: Yes, mother

Mickie: Good, now you hold Maria. I'm going to buy some earrings at the gift shop.

_Mickie gives Maria to Jeff, who sighs._

Jeff: The subject of our first painting is the most foul, evil, vicious, diabolical beast to stalk this earth. Of course I refer to—

_Maria puts her pacifier in Jeff's mouth_

Jeff: Mm-mm-mmm! _(Spits it out, coughing and spluttering) _The devil...

_The story starts on a catwalk. Punk is in the crowd_

Alicia: The next in our fall catalogue, we love this, it is a vision in raspberry cream

_Maryse's leg's walks down the catwalk, then a pan up to see a doughnut on top of the legs_

Punk: Ooh, pure genius!

_The scene fades to Punk dozing in the snack room. He wakes up with a start._

Punk: And now to make the leap from dreams to reality!

_He opens a box of doughnuts, but it is empty. John and Kofi stand behind him._

John: Sorry Punk, while you were daydreaming, we ate all the doughnuts.

Kofi: Well, there were a few left, but we chucked them at a old man for kicks.

_Outside the plant, Flair had a doughnut stuck to the back of his head, and fights off some birds._

Flair: Damn buzzards! I ain't dead yet

_Punk returns to his work station_

Punk: Alright, stay calm. Remember your training.

_He opens an "Emergency Procedures" manual. Inside, there is a big space with a piece of paper is in it. Punk reads it_

Punk: "Dear Punk, I owe you one emergency doughnut. Signed, Punk" Bastard! He's always one step ahead. Oh.. I'd sell my soul for a doughnut!

_Suddenly, Hunter appears behind Punk, dressed like the devil_

Hunter: Well, that can be arraigned.

Punk: Hunter, you're the devil?

Hunter: Ho ho, it's always the one you least suspect. Now, many people offer to see their soul without reflecting upon the grave ramifications—

Punk: Do you have the doughnut or not?

Hunter: Coming up! Just sign here, Careful, hot pen!

_While Punk signs, Edge watches on the security monitors_

Edge: Hmm, who is that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jip

DiBiase: The Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock.

_Cut back to Punk and the devil. A creature appears, carrying a doughnut for Punk. Punk starts scoffing it._

Hunter: Now remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for—

Punk: (_With his mouth full) _Hey wait. If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you?

Hunter: Uh, technically no, but—

Punk: (_Taunting) _I'm smarter then the devil! I'm smarter than the devil!

_Suddenly, Hunter turns into a huge scary monster._

Hunter: You are not smarter than me! I'll see you in Hell yet, Punk Brooks

_He disappears back into the ground. Punk puts the doughnut in his shirt pocket._

Punk: Not likely, heh heh.

_Later that night, Punk comes down stairs for a midnight snack. Looking into the fridge, his hand passes over several food items, and he picks up the last piece of the doughnut, despite several warning signs around it._

Punk: Mmm… forbidden doughnut…

_He eats it, and Hunter appears again._

Hunter: Well, well, finishing something?

Punk: Aah!

_A hole of fire appears in the kitchen floor and Punk is dragged towards it. Mickie enters the room and her night cap is drawn to the hole_

Mickie: Punk, did you eat that doughnut?

Punk: (_weakly) _No

_Punk is drawn to the hole, but gets stuck._

Hunter_: Oh, your wide behind won't save you this time! (_Jeff and Haylie enter) Hey Jeff.

Jeff: Hey.

Haylie: Wait! Doesn't my father have the right to a fair trial?

Hunter: Oh, you Americans with your "due process" and "fair trials." This is always so much easier in Mexico. Very well, we'll have the trial tomorrow at the stroke of midnight. Until then, you're going to spend the day in Hell!

_His pitchfork turns into a Plunger. He pushes Punk into the hole, and follows him. Punk falls through a huge cavern, screaming all the way into Hell. He lands on a conveyor belt._

Punk: Ah, that wasn't so bad.

_He reaches the end of the conveyor belt, where a demon chops him into pieces. His mouth and shoes are separated and put into a bin labeled "Hot Dog Meat." Next, Punk is in a room labeled "Ironic Punishments Division" Another demon straps Punk into a chair. The room is full of doughnuts._

Beth P.: So, you like doughnuts, eh?

Punk: Uh-huh.

Beth P.: Well, have all the doughnuts in the world!

_Beth laughs. A machine feels doughnuts to Punk, four at a time. Punk keeps eating and eating, and eating. Later, Punk has eaten most of the doughnuts, and is extremely fat._

Punk: More

Beth P.: I don't understand it. Shawn went mad in fifteen minutes!

_The clock in the Brooks living room strikes midnight. Hunter appears, as does Punk's body appears in a cage mad of fire. His head appears shortly afterwards, and Punk screws it back onto his neck._

Mickie: Punk, are you alright?

Punk: No

_Shane McMahon walks in, combing his hair with a fork_

Shane: Mr. Brooks, don't you worry, I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.

_A fiery pentagram appears on the floor. Undertaker appears as the judge_

Undertaker: Here ye, here ye. The court of Internal Affairs is now in session.

Shane: Very well, but first some ground rules. Number one, we get bathroom breaks every half-hour.

Hunter: Agreed. Number 2, the jury will be chosen by me.

Shane: Agreed (_realizing) _No, wait—

Hunter: Silence! I give you the Jury of the Damned! Rey Mysterio, Katie Lea, Kane

Kane: But I'm not dead yet! In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook.

Hunter: Hey, listen: I did a favor for you!

Kane: Yes, master.

Hunter…The Brian Kendrick, Mark Henry, Gold dust, and the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers!

_There doesn't seem to be enough seats for everyone. Mickie brings out a high chair for Mark Henry._

Mickie: I'm sorry Mr. Henry. We're low on chairs, and this is the last one.

Henry: Arr! This chair be high, says I.  
_The proceedings begin._

Hunter: I hold a contract between myself and one Punk Brooks, pledging me his soul for a doughnut—which I delivered. And it was scrump-diddly-imptious! I simply ask for what is mine!

_The jury chatter_

Shane: That was a right-pretty speech, sir. But I ask you, what is a contract? Webster's defines it as "an agreement under the law which is unbreakable" (_with emphasis) _which is unbreakable! (_The jury stares at him) _Excuse me; I must use the rest room.

_A long time goes by and Shane has not come out. Mickie goes to see._

Mickie: Uh, Mr. McMahon

_She opens the door. He is not there, and the window is open. Undertaker starts the sentencing._

Undertaker: Punk Brooks, I have no choice but to sentence you to an eternity to—

Mickie: WAIT! Before you send him to Hell, there's something you should see (_shows the jury a photo) _that's a photo if Punk and Me at our wedding.

Kane: Wait, wait, you got married n an emergency room?

Mickie: Well, Punk ate the entire wedding cake by himself...Before the wedding! (_The jury laughs) _Read the back! The back!

Henry: Arr, 'tis some kind of treasure map!

Mysterio (_snatching photo) _you idiot, you can't read!

Henry: Aye, 'tis true. My debauchery was my way of compensation!

Mysterio: Dear Mickie: you have given me your hand in marriage. All I can give you in return is my… soul, which I pledge to you forever.

_The jury debate amongst themselves_

Katie Lea: We've heard enough. Your Honor, we find that Punk Brooks' soul is legally the property of Mickie Brooks, and not of the devil

Hunter: Oh

Family: YAY!

Punk: Woohoo! (_Jumps and burns his head on the cage) _Ow!

_The judge and jury disappear in a puff,_

Hunter: All right, Brooks, you get your soul back. But let that ill-gotten doughnut be forever on your head!

_He points and fore shoots out. Punk screams. The next day at breakfast, Punk picks chunks off his doughnut-head and eats then._

Mickie: Punk, stop picking at it.

Punk: Oh, but I'm so sweet and tasty! (_Looks at his watch) _Oh, well, time to go to work.

Haylie: Dad, I wouldn't go outside if I were you

_Outside, the whole police force wait, with cups of coffee._

Santino: Don't worry boys, he's gotta come out of there sometime.


	8. Jeff Brook's Dracula

_Back in the gallery_

Jeff: The next exhibit in our ghoulish gallery is entitled, "Jeff Brook's Dracula". Enjoy!

_Cody Rhodes delivers the news._

Cody: Another local peasant has been found dead. Drained of his blood with two teeth marks on his throat. This black cape was found on the scene. _(we see a picture of a cape reading "Dracula")_ Police are baffled.

Santino: We think we're dealing with a supernatural being, most likely a mummy. As a precaution I've ordered the Egyptian wing of the Springfield museum destroyed. _(We see Chavo throwing the Mona Lisa into a fire)_ Nice work, Chavo

Haylie: They're wrong! The creature they seek is the walking undead: Nosferatu, Das Wampyr! _(family stare blankly)_ A vampire!

Punk :_(chuckling)_ Haylie, Vampires are make-believe, just like Elves, Gremlins and Eskimos.

_Back to the TV._

Cody: In a completely unrelated story, Edge has just closed a deal to buy the Chicago blood bank.

Edge: Oh, I'm very excited about this deal. _(Sees blood dripping from his mouth and licks it)_ Mmm... Precious blood.

Punk: Hmm... Business deal.

_The family drives along a twisty mountain road._

Punk: It sure was nice of Edge to invite us for midnight dinner in his country house in... _(creepily)_ Pennsylvania!

Haylie: Ah, there's something fishy about this whole set-up.

Mickie: Haylie, stop been so suspicious. Now did everyone wash their necks like Edge asked?

Haylie: _(moaning)_ Yes...

Punk: _(pulling out a filthy cloth)_ sure did!

_The family arrive at the mansion. Punk rings the doorbell. Edge's voice is heard on the speaker._

Edge: Welcome, come in. _(quietly)_ Ah, fresh victims for my ever growing army of the undead.

DiBiase: Sir, you have to let go of the button.

Edge: Oh, son of a bi--

_The doors open and the Simpsons walk in. Edge suddenly appears, with DiBiase behind him._

Edge: Well if it isn't my good friends the, uh...

DiBiase: Brooks's family, master.

Edge: Brooks, eh? Excellent.

_Edge walks off, but his shadow plays with a yo-yo._

Haylie: Dad, do you notice anything strange?

Punk; Yeah, his hairdo looks so queer.

Edge: I heard that!

Punk: It was the boy!

_At the dinner table._

Punk" Ooh, punch!

Haylie: Ew, Dad, this is blood!

Punk: Correction: _free_ blood!

_Haylie spills her blood deliberately._

Haylie: Whoops! Jeff and I have to go wash up.

Jeff: But you didn't get any on-- _(Haylie smears him with blood)_ --ew!

_They both leave, and walk down a corridor._

Jeff: Edge isn't a vampire. And even if he was we're not going to stubble on his secret hiding place.

_Jeff leans on a lamp attached to the wall, which causes a wall to move. It reveals a laundry room._

Haylie: You're probably right, let's just go back to--

_She gasps as she sees a neon sign reading "Secret vampire room, no garlic." They both go down some steps into the room. There are several coffins lying about._

Haylie: Satisfied?

Jeff: Big deal! It's no different from the basement in Grandpa's rest home.

Haylie: Look!

She finds a book titled "Yes, I Am A Vampire" by Edge.

Haylie: _(reading)_ Oh My God!

_Vampires rise up from the coffins._

Jeff: Ungh, Ungh!

Haylie: Please, Jeff, I've seen your stupid shemp.

Jeff: Nub, Nub! Ba-ba-ba!

Haylie: Yeah, I've seen your curly too.

_A vampire rips the page. Haylie screams and the kids run up the stairs screaming. Jeff passes a switch reading "Super Fun Happy Slide."_

Jeff: I know I really shouldn't, but when am I going to be here again? _(Pulls switch and slides)_ Wheeeeeee! Aah!

_He slides down into the clutches of the vampires. A bat flies in, morphing into Edge._

Edge: Well if it isn't little... boy!

_Edge's fangs extend and he dives for Jeff. Meanwhile, Haylie runs back to the dining room to tell her parents._

Haylie: Mom, Dad! Edge is a vampire and he has Jeff!

Edge: _(in the doorway with blood on his fangs)_ Why, Jeff is right here.

Jeff: _(in a trance)_ Hello, Mother, hello, Father. I missed you during my uneventful absence.

Punk: Haylie, you and your stories. Jeff is a vampire. Beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that building... thingy... where our beds and TV... is.

_In Haylie's bedroom, she hears banging on her window. She opens to curtains to find Jeff, Primo, Morrison, Miz and Natalya all vampires._

Haylie: Aah!

Jeff: Come join us Haylie, it's so cool; you get to stay up all night drinking blood!

Primo: And if you say you're a vampire, they give you a free small soda at the movies.

Haylie: No, no!

Jeff: Haylie, it's not like you have a choice here!

_We see Jeff smash the window from several different angles. He grabs Haylie and his fangs extend. Haylie screams and Punk runs in._

Punk: Jeff! How many times have I told you not to bite your sis-- _(realizes)_ wait a minute, you _are_ a vampire!

_Flair runs in with a stake and hammer._

Flair: Quick, we have to kill the boy!

Mickie: _(entering)_ How do you know he's a vampire?

Flair: He's a vampire? Aah!

_He runs off, screaming. Jeff turns to a bat and escapes, chuckling._

Mickie: Punk, we have to do something. Today he's drinking blood, tomorrow he could be smoking!

Haylie: The only way to get Jeff back is to kill the head vampire. Edge!

Punk: Kill my boss?! Do I dare live out the American dream?

_At Edge's castle. Punk, Mickie and Haylie walk down to the basement._

Mickie: This is dangerous. I wish we could have found a sitter for Maria.

Punk: _(sees sign for slide and gets excited)_ Super Fun Happy Slide!

Haylie: _(sternly)_ No dad.

Punk: Oh, I guess killing will be fun enough.

Haylie: You must drive this stake right through his heart.

_Punk drives the stake into Edge._

Punk: Take that, vile fiend!

Haylie: Uh, Dad, that's his crotch.

Punk: _(chuckling)_ Oh, sorry.

_He takes the stake out and drives it into his heart. Edge wakes up, screaming. He then dies and turns to goo._

Punk: Whew!

Edge: _(reforming briefly)_ You're fired!

Punk: D'oh!

_The next day, at the Brooks' breakfast table._

Haylie: It's so nice having everything back to normal.

Flair: _(flying into the room)_ I'm a vampire and I've come to suck your blood! _(he flies into the fridge and collapses)_ This cape is giving me a rash.

Haylie: Flair's a vampire?

Jeff: We're all vampires!

_The family all start floating in mid-air._

Haylie: But no, we killed Haylie!

Punk: you have to kill the head vampire!

Haylie: you're the head vampire?

Mickie: No, I'm the head vampire! _(She screeches)_

Haylie: Mom?

Mickie: Well I do have a life outside this house, you know.


	9. Haylie's Rival Act 1

_Haylie practices scales on her saxophone in her room when Jeff enters._

Jeff: Haylie, will you keep it down? I'm making a crank call to Principal Show

Show: _on phone _Well, as a matter of fact, my refrigerator wasn't running. You've spared me quite a bit of spoilage: thank you anonymous young man.

Jeff: D'oh!

Haylie: It's my room, and I can do what I want.

Jeff: Oh yeah? Well I can do what I want in my room. _Walks off into his room, starts kicking the wall._

Haylie: Jeff, quit it!

Jeff: _reading "Bad Boy's Life" _I can keep this up all day.

_Haylie heads to the garage to play in peace, but Punk is already there._

Punk**: **Lisa, stop the racket. I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. _holds drill to it, with hammer poised above it_ Now, easy...easy..._hits it; it smashes_ Hmm...I'm going to need a bigger drill.

_Inside the house, Maria colors with some magic markers while Mickie_

_reads a romance novel. She begins daydreaming about being on a ship_

_with a tanned, muscular fellow._

Mickie**: **My, these seas are certainly heaving.

Pirate:Well, no more than your bountiful bosom, _sly_ milady.

Mickie:_laughs rakishly_ Does that earring mean you're a pirate? _refers to earring in pirate's right ear_

Pirate:Kinda. Ah, the seas have quieted. And only in the sweet embrace of quietude can two lovers truly be – _Haylie starts playing her sax_ Ooh, such noise! Well, I'm done for the evening. [_Marge comes back to reality_]

Mickie:Mmm! Haylie, stop blowing my sex. I mean, stop blowing your sax, your sax. Stop it.

Haylie:Mom, I'm auditioning for first chair in the school band and I've got to practice!

Mickie:I'm sorry, but I sacrificed a very expensive camera just to get some quiet time.

_Even Maria can't stand the noise: she plugs her ears with pacifiers._

_"Fine, I'll play outside," Haylie says sullenly._

_the sound of Haylie's saxophone can be heard outside_

Hunter: Hey, what—that sounds like Gabriel's trumpet. You know what that means, kids!

Evan+Alex: Yay! Judgment Day!

_In Miss McCool's class, the children are writing a quiz._

McCool: Forty-five seconds till pencils down.

Miz _whispering _Haylie, what's the answer to number seven?

Haylie: _whispering _Sorry Miz. That would defeat the purpose of testing as a means of student evaluation.

Miz: _pause _My cat's name is Mittens.

_Miss McCool counts down the last three seconds until pencils down as the class groans._

McCool: Now, here's an oral extra-credit question. What was Christopher Columbus actually looking for when he discovered America?

Haylie: _puts her hand up _Ooh! Ooh!

McCool: Anyone besides Haylie for a change?

Miz: _Puts his hand up _Ooh! Ah!

McCool: _nonplussed _Miz, this better not be about your cat.

Miz: _puts his hand down _Oh.

McCool: Oh, all right, Hay—

Layla: Columbus was looking for a passage to India.

McCool: Correct, Layla! And on your very first day in our class.

Layla: And, during a subsequent voyage, Columbus found what is now the continent of South America.

McCool: Yowie…

Haylie: I never made Miss McCool "yowie"…

_At lunch time, Haylie approaches Layla, who is seated_ _on a bench eating a sandwich._

Haylie: Hi, Layla, I'm Haylie Brooks. Oh, it's great to finally meet someone who converses above the normal eight year old level.

Layla: Actually, I'm seven. I was just skipped ahead because I was getting bored with the first grade.

Haylie: You're younger than me too? _Look worried, starts breathing into her paper lunch bag_

Layla: Are you hyperventilating?

Haylie: No…I just like to smell my lunch. Gee, I never met anyone who's skipped a grade before.

Layla: I'm surprised you haven't been skipped. You're obviously smart enough.

Haylie: Well, I'm sure I could have, but, heh, I'd hate to leave behind my wonderful friends.

Tori: _walking up _Out of the way, brain queen! _Pushes Haylie over_

Haylie: _chuckling sheepishly _Hey Tori. Well, I got to go. I have to practice for band auditions.

Layla: Me to! Hey, what instrument do you play?

Haylie: The sax.

Layla: Me to!

Haylie: I'm going for first chair this year.

Layla: Me too!

Haylie: Wow! _Disingenuous _We have _so _much in common, I'm sue we'll be the best of friends…

Layla: Me too!

Haylie: _yeakly _Me too…

_In the car, Punk eats a slice of pizza with both hands while Jeff steers._

Jeff: Hurry up and finish eating!

Punk: You're steering fine, boy. Hard to the right!

Jeff: Oh!

Punk: Hard to the left!

Jeff: Oh!

Punk: Cat! Deer! Old man!

Flair: _diving out of the way _Aah!

Punk: Jacknifed sugar truck! _Gasps _Sugar? _Skids to a halt; some old guy stands outside the truck_

Punk: Don't worry buddy. Here's a quarter, call for help at the nearest phone. I'll keep on things here.

Old Guy: If only this sugar were as sweet as you, sir _walks off._

Jeff: Punk, that was downright decent of you.

Punk: We've hit the jackpot here! White gild. Texas tea!...sweetner.

_Punk shovels sugar into the truck_

Jeff: Dad, isn't this stealing?

Punk: Read your town charter, boy. "If foodstuff should touch the ground, said foodstuff shall be turned over to the village idiot" Since I don't see him around…start shovelling!

_Punk fills the car all the way up, which gives Jeff trouble breathing._

_Back at home, Mickie continues her pirate daydream._

Mickie: _sighs dreamily_

Haylie: Mom?

Mickie: What? What?

Haylie: Why am I still rotting away in the second grade instead of being skipped ahead?

Mickie: I dunno honey, I guess that's the school's decision to make.

Haylie: Well, did you ever talk to anyone at the school? Make a few calls on my behalf? Maybe you could have been "nicer" to Principal Show, if ya know what I mean.

Mickie: Haylie!...I am nice.

_At the dinner table that night…_

Mickie: Punk, I really appreciate you making dinner, but this food tastes a little strange.

Haylie: It hurts my teeth.

Punk: That's because I've loaded it with sugar! _Holds up a bag containing "Farmer Homer's Sweet Sweet Sugar" _Mickie, our ship has come in! I found five hundred pounds of sugar _to Jeff, sly _in the forest _to Mickie _that I'm going to sell directly to the consumer! All for a low, low price of one dollar per pound.

Mickie: But the grocery store sells sugar for thirty-five cents a pound.

Haylie: And it doesn't have nails and broken glass in it.

Punk: Those are prizes! _Eats a mouthful _Ooh, a blasting cap.

_The day of school band auditions arrive. Justin, the foreign exchange student, plays his mountain horn._

Mr. Swagger: It's your turn, Drew.

Drew: _steps up with tambourine, hits it once _Unh!

Mr. Swagger: Hmm, someone's been practicing over the summer. Welcome aboard.

Drew: Yes! _Walks off, hits Truth in the head with tambourine_

Truth: Ow! My lute! _He drops it, breaking it_

Mr. Swagger: _not caring _Mm hm.

_Mr. Swagger calls Haylie up to audition for first char, saxophone. Haylie plays a little ditty, tapping her foot to the beat. _

Mr. Swagger: Mmm, very nice. Now, Layla, also trying for first chair saxophone.

_Alison steps up and plays something slightly more difficult-sounding. _

Mr. Swagger: Oh, this is a very difficult decision, girls. You're both very good.

_Layla ups the ante and plays some more up-beat jazz, to which the assembled audience of children claps._

Mr. Swagger: Well, I guess that clinches that—

_But Haylie responds in kind with her own up-beat improvisation. The children applaud her, too._

_It turns into "Duelling Saxophones" with Haylie and Layla playing over each other trying to outdo each other as the children get up and dance. They both hold a long loud note and start turning red; Haylie loses her breath and passes out, falling off the stage._

Haylie: _opening her eyes_

Mr. Swagger: Oh! That was a close one, Haylie, but you made it.

Haylie: _happy _I won first chair?

Mr. Swagger: No, you regained consciousness. Layla got first chair.

Haylie: _screams, passes out again. Opens her eyes _Oh, it was just a dream…

Mr. Swagger: Oh! That was a close one, Haylie, but you made it.

Haylie: _happy _I won first chair?

Mr. Swagger: No, you regained consciousness. Layla got first chair—and believe me, this is not a dream!

Haylie: _screams._


	10. Haylie's Rival Act 2

_Mickie dries the dishes in the kitchen. Haylie enters._

Haylie: I need help, Mom. There's another girl at school who's smarter, younger, and a better sax player than me. Ew, I feel so average.

Mickie: Well, you'll always be number one to me—

Jeff: _walking past _Ahem, hello…first born within earshot.

Mickie: Mmm, I meant my number one girl—_Maria tugs on Mickie's dress _Oh, for cry—mmm. Honey, if you get too competitive, you'll never be happy. No matter how good you are, there's always going to be someone better than you.

Haylie: But she's better than me at everything that makes me special!

Mickie: Oh believe me honey, she's more scared of you than you are of her.

Haylie: _sullen _You're thinking of bears, Mom.

_Punk goes door to door trying to sell his sugar._

Punk: _ringing door bell _Sugar man! _Eats some from the bag_

Show: Door to door sugar? _Chuckles _What a marvellous idea. _Show's mother calls _What's that mother? …I'm just talking to the sugar man!...Mother, I'm a big boy, I can do as I wish _To Punk _Exuse me. _Slams door. Opens door _Thanks a lot, Brooks, now I'm grounded!

_There's another quiz in Miss McCool's class._

Miz: _whispers _Hey, Layla: what's the answer to number nine?

Layla: _whispers _I can't tell you, Miz.

Haylie: _whispers _I can't tell you either, Miz.

Miz: _to Haylie _Leave me alone!

_Three of the bigger girls push Layla around at recess, calling her braniac nerd, and geekazoid. When they push her in the mud, Haylie recalls how it used to be her that got pushed around._

Jeff: I can't stand to see you so miserable, Hay…unless it's from a rubber spider down your shirt. Hmm, that gives me an idea. _Pulls out pocket tape recorder, presses "record" _Note for later: put rubber spider down Haylie's shirt. _Chuckles, turns back to Haylie, then as an afterthought, chuckles onto tape again. _Hey, I know! How about I dig up some dirt on Layla? Remember how I got Primo's picture on "America's Most Wanted"?

_Two agents in sunglasses drive up, see Primo._

Agent 1: There he is on the monkey bars.

Agent 2: Try to take him alive.

Primo: Oh no, not again!

_Haylie declines Jeff's offer as the agents crash through the fence and the monkey bars and chase after the hapless Primo._

Haylie: I appreciate the offer, but it goes against ever moral fibre in my body.

Jeff: Suit yourself. If you change your mind, here's my card.

Haylie: I don't need a card. You live in the room next to me.

Jeff: _into tape recorder _Note: next year, order fewer cards.

_Punk describes his sugar-selling success to Mickie._

Punk: And you didn't think I'd make any money. I found a dollar while I was waiting for the bus.

Mickie: While you were out "earning" that dollar, you lost forty dollars by not going to work. The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.

Punk: Woo hoo! A four day weekend!

_Haylie sits in her room and contemplates the trophies on her bookshelf._

Haylie: Hey, I am above average! So what if Layla's ahead of me? There's no shame in being second.

_Imagines_

Alicia: And now, Avis Rent-A-Car is proud to present the second best band in America. Will you welcome Alexis, Caitlyn, Brianna and Haylie singing their number two hit, "Born to Runner-Up."

_Audience boos._

Haylie: Why would they come to our concert just to boo us?

_Jeff walks in with a sheet of paper._

Jeff: Hay, I did some checking on this Layla character, and I know it's against all your moral fibres—

Haylie: _grabs sheet _Give it to me. _Chuckles _Hey, wait! There's nothing bad here.

Jeff: Yep, she's clean as a bean, but…I did rip off the Feds as to the whereabouts of our good friend Primo.

_Primo stands at the mouth of a large pipe with his hands up, facing an agent pointing a gun at him._

Primo: I'm telling you, I didn't do anything!

Agent: I don't care.

Primo: _turns around, looks down, jumps…off a dam _Aah…_hits churning water at bottom _Ouch! My glasses.

_Haylie, meanwhile, crumples, the paper compiled by Jeff._

Haylie: _sighs _I've got to stop being so petty. I should be Layla's friend, not her competitor. I mean…she is a wonderful person…

Jeff: Way to go, Hay. I mean, why compete with someone who's just going to kick your butt anyway?

Haylie: _pause _I prefer my phrasing.

_Haylie confronts her demons and goes over to Layla's house._

Layla: It's great of you to come over, Haylie. I really want us to be friends.

Haylie: You're a wonderful person.

Jericho: Hi, Haylie, I'm Layla's father, Professor Jericho. I've heard great things about you.

Haylie: Oh, really? I—

Jericho: Oh, don't be modest. I'm glad we have someone who can join us in our anagram game.

Layla: We take proper names and rearrange the letters to form a description of that person.

Jericho: Like, er…oh, I don't know, uh…Alec Guiness.

Layla: _thinks _Genuine class.

Jericho: Ho ho, very good. All right, Haylie, um…Jeremy Irons.

Haylie: _looks with consternation _Jeremy's…iron.

Jericho: Mm hmm, well that's…very good…for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. _Pulls one from his pocket. _Perhaps you'd like to bounce it?

_The girls walk into Layla's room—which is plastered with trophies and awards. One trophy gleams so brightly, Haylie has to turn her head away and squint at it. She walks over to Layla's desk and notices a cardboard model._

Haylie: What's this?

Layla: Oh, it's or the school diorama competition.

Haylie: You're finished, already? But the competition isn't for weeks!

Layla: _smirks _Haylie, we're talking dioramas. Who could wait?

_Layla explains her project._

Layla: I chose "The Tell Tale Heart" by Edgar Allen Poe…See, this is the bedroom where the old man was murdered…and he's buried here under the floorboards. Oh, and look, I used an old metronome to simulate the heartbeat that drove the killer insane. _Flicks a switch; the metronome ticks slowly _Ha ha, it's great, huh?

Haylie _uncomfortable _Ha ha, it's great, it's really great. _She pulls out the ball, tries to bounce it, and drops it._

Jericho: Oh! Got away from you, huh? Well, you keep at it.


	11. Haylie's Rival Act 3

_The sun rises over Chicago as Punk sits outside with a club in front of a mound of sugar._

Punk: _sleepy _Must…protect…sugar. Thieves everywhere. The strong must protect the sweet…the sweet…_snores._

Mickie: _walking out _Punk?

Punk: _with a Spanish accent _In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women…_snores._

Mickie: Punk…Punk!

Punk: Wha…what?

Mickie: I want you to forget about guarding the stupid sugar! You're being completely paranoid.

Punk: Oh, am I? Am I really? Ah ha!

_Pulls a man from behind the pile._

Thief: _Holds teacup and saucer _Hello.

Punk: All right, pal: Where'd you get the sugar for that tea?

Thief: I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second, and I'd do it again. _Sips tea _Goodbye.

_Punk pleads his case with Mickie_

Punk: You see, Mickie? Do you see?

Mickie: Punk, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?

Punk: Never, Mickie! Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky-stride and musky odours—oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Punk Brooks?"

Mickie: Look, just get rid of the sugar, okay?

Punk: No! _Mickie leaves. A swarm of bees lands on Punk and the sugar pile _Aah! Her get off my sugar. Bad bees! Bad! _Gets stung _Ow, Oww! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow.

_Jeff walks into Haylie's room to see what she's doing._

Haylie: Look, Jeff. It almost killed me, but I handcrafted all 75 characters from Oliver Twist. And now, the coup de grace: A bitter snowstorm. _Turns on fan, sprinkles confetti._

Jeff+Haylie: Ooh! _The diorama lifts up, then blows out the window. _

Jeff: Uh oh. _Crash_

Haylie: _with trepidation _Is it ok?

Jeff: Well…the important think is we survived.

Haylie: Oh, who am I kidding? There's no way I'm ever going to beat Layla.

Jeff: Sure there is!..but it involves being a big underhanded, a bit devious, a bit—as the French say—Bartseque.

Haylie: I'll do whatever it takes.

Jeff: Then welcome to the nether regions of the soul.

_Jeff closes Haylie's Venetian blind and grabs a piece of paper and a pencil._

Jeff: Now, here's what we do. Tomorrow morning with Layla comes out of her house, we spray her with the hose—soaking her from head to tow, leaving us relatively dry.

Haylie: "Relatively"?

Jeff: Well, there's bound to be some splash-back.

Haylie: Jeff, her being wet won't help me win the competition.

Jeff: Well…we could just sabotage her diorama, humiliating her in front of the students and faculty.

Haylie: Perfect!

Jeff: Leaving her primed for the most dramatic hose-soaking of her life!

Haylie: Enough with the hose!

_At Goldsboro's Honey, two beekeepers discuss the day._

Beekeeper 1: Well, sure is quiet in here today.

Beekeeper 2: Yes, a little too quiet, if you know what I mean.

Beekeeper 1: Hmm…I'm afraid I don't.

Beekeeper 2: You see, bees usually make a lot of noise. No noise—suggests no bees!

Beekeeper 1: Oh, I understand now. Oh look, there goes one now.

Beekeeper 1: To the Beemobile!

Beekeeper 2: You mean your Chevy?

Beekeeper 1: Yes!

_The beekeepers track their bees down to Punk's sugar pile._

Beekeeper 1: Well, very clever, Brooks, luring our bees to your sugar pile and selling them back to us at an inflated price.

Punk: Bees are on the what now?

Beekeeper 2: Brooks, you diabolical…we're willing to pay you $2000 for the swarm _starts counting money._

Punk: Deal! _Thunder crashes, rain starts._

Beekeeper 1: Oh, wait a minute. The bees are leaving.

Punk: No! My sugar is melting. Melting! Oh, what a world.

_Thief spits out his tea._

Punk: _weeps _My sugar's gone..

Mickie: _walk out with an umbrella _I'm sorry, Punky.

Punk: It's ok Mickie. I've learned my lesson. A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It's clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets, and why he lives on a plantation in Hawaii.

_It's the big diorama contest day at Chicago Elementary._

Show: Ah, "Diorama-Rama", my favourite school event next to "Hearing-Test Thursday". _He and Miss McCool walk up to Batista's diorama._

McCool: "The Grapes of Wrath"? I don't get it.

Batista: Here's the grapes…and here's the wrath! _Pounds the grapes with a mallet, soaking Show and Miss McCool. All the kid groan._

Show: _Dismissive _Yes, yes, very good wrath. Ah, let's see: our foreign exchange student Justin has chosen "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory". I—but this is just an empty box!

Justin: _chocolate on his face and hands. _I begged you to look at mine first…I begged you!

_Jeff walks in with a box covered by a sheet._

Jeff: Haylie, here is—as the French say—le fake diorama. I'll create a diversion and you make the switch. _Walks to center of gym. _Hey everybody, whoa! Look at me, I'm over here. Turn this way right now!

Natalya: Hey, it's Jeff!

Primo: And he's doing stuff! _Everyone turns to look, fascinated. Haylie grabs Layla's diorama, leaves the other one there, and hides Layla's in a trap door in the gym floor. _

Show: Jeff, stop creating a diversion and get out of here! _Jeff caws like a crow and leaves._

_Haylie and Jeff give each other the thumbs up._

McCool: Ok, our next entry is "The Tell Tale Heart" by Layla.

Show: Mm, I can't wait to see this _low voice _Be ready with the ribbon. _Pulls cover off to reveal bloody animal hearts._

Children: Ew!

McCool: What is it?

Jeff: _disguising his voice _It's a cow's heart _changing voices _They're trying to make a monkey out of you. _Haylie smiles._

Show: Layla, is this supposed to be some kind of joke?

Layla: I didn't do that…I made a different one.

Show: Oh, is that so, young lady? Where is this "phantom diorama"?

Layla: Uh, I don't know…

_Haylie hears a heart beating, and looks worried._

Show: Aw, at least have the guts to take the blame, girl. You're only compounding your folly by lying about it.

Jeff: Right on!

Show: Young lady, cow hearts belong in a butcher's window, not the classroom. _Haylie hears the heart getting louder, frets. _Well, maybe in an older students' biology classroom, but that's none of my business. Elementary school is where I wound up, and it's too late to do anything about that!

_Show confesses he's starting to regret having skipped Layla ahead, and she sobs. Meanwhile, the heartbeat is getting louder in Haylie's ears. She looks down to see the trap door beating too. Layla sobs a bit more, then Haylie loses it and screams._

Haylie: Aah! It's the beating of that hideous heart! _Everyone looks at her. _I mean, I think I hear something. _Opens trap door, retrieves diorama. _Why, here's Layla's real diorama. It got misplaced…_laughs a bit _or so it would seem.

Show: Oh, well, that changes everything. Let's have a look. _Quietly to Miss McCool _Get the ribbon ready. _Pulls sheet off _Oh…a little sterile…no real insight. What do you think Miss McCool?

McCool: Eh. _Haylie gasps, looks at Layla._

Show: This has been a very disappointing day. All right, on to Haylie Brooks.

Jeff: You're a shoo-in now Hay.

Haylie: After the way I've behaved, I don't deserve to win.

Show: Well, this doesn't deserve to win.

Haylie: What?

Show: Ooh, now we»'re into the dregs. Here's Miz's entry. _Pulls sheety off. _Pre-packaged "Star Wars" characters, still in their display box? Are those the limited-edition action figures?

Miz: What's a diorama?

Show: Why it's Luke, and Obi-Wan, and my favourite, Chewie! They're all here! _Too Miss McCool _What do you think?

McCool: _bored _I think it's lunch time.

Show: We have a winner!

_The children cheer as Haylie and Layla look at each other in disbelief._

_After school, Haylie apologizes to Layla for her egregious behaviour._

Haylie: I'm really sorry about what I did, Layla. It's no shame being second to you.

Layla: Thank you, Haylie. You know, I'm actually kind of glad I lost. Now I know that losing isn't the end of the world. Hey, you still think we can be friends?

Haylie: Only if we're the best.

Miz: _skipping with his diorama _I beat the smart kids! I beat the smart kids! I—_trips. Unhappy. _I bent my Wookie.

Haylie: Hey Miz, want to come with me and Layla to play "Anagrams"?

Layla: We take proper names and rearrange the letters to form a description of that person.

Miz: My cat's breath smells like cat food.

_The children walk off together._


	12. The Shinning

_Mickie walks from behind a red curtain onto center stage into a spotlight._

Mickie: Hello once again. As usual, I must warn you all that this year's Halloween show is very, very scary, and those of you with young children may want to send them off for bed—_someone hands her a paper; she reads it. _Oh my! It seems the show is so scary that Congress won't even let us show it. Instead they've suggested the 1947 Glenn Ford classic movie "200 Miles to Oregon" _a clip from the movie shows._

_The picture shuts off like a television being unplugged. The little white dot remaining at the center expands into a green line which become modulated with Jeff's voice like an oscilloscope trace._

Jeff: _picture shows a green line. _There's nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust your picture. We are controlling the transmission.

Punk: What's that boy? We're in control? Hey, look! I can see my voice! _Laughs _Brrr…hee! Heeee! _Changing pitches _Blub blub blub blub blub! Thiiis…iiis my voice…on teeeveeee—

Jeff: Dad! You're ruining the mood.

Punk: Sorry.

Jeff: For the next half hour, we will control what you see and hear. You are about to experience the terror and foul horror of…the Brooks Halloween Special.

.x

_The word "Monday" appears on the screen, followed by a vertical shot of the Brooks car traveling along a twisty mountain road._

_Screen shows "Tuesday"_

Punk: Well, it was a long trip, but we're almost there.

Mickie: Punk, did you remember to lock the front door of the house?

Punk: D'oh!

_Screen shows "Wednesday"_

Punk: Well, it's been two long trips, but we're finally almost there again.

Mickie: When you locked the front door, did you remember to lock the back door?

Punk: D'oh! D'oh!

_Screen shows "Thursday"_

_Family drives along in sullen silence._

Haylie: _gasps _Oh no! We left Grampa back at the gas station. _Silence. _What about Grampa?

_The family continues their drive towards a large mansion in the mountains._

_The Brooks pull up, hop out of the car and wave._

Adam: Oh, goody: the Sea Monkeys I ordered have arrived. Heh heh heh, look at the cavort and caper.

DiBiase: Sir, they're the new winter caretakers for the lodge.

Adam: Yes…they work and they play hard.

_Adam takes the family on a tour of the lodge, down a hall with axes mounted all along the wall._

Adam: This house has quite a long and colourful history. It was build on an ancient Indian burial ground and was the setting of santanic rituals, witch-burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials.

Punk: _revolted _Ohh, John Denver.

_They stop in front of the elevator, which opens and disgorges a river of blood._

Adam: Hmm, that's off. Usually the blood gets off at the second floor.

_Outside, the camera starts high above a hedge maze and zooms down to Sheamus watering one part of it._

_A chainsaw noise is heard._

Jeff: Hey! I found a shortcut through your hedge maze.

Sheamus: Why you little—_thinking _No, no, go easy on the wee one. His father's going to go crazy and chop 'em all into haggis!

Jeff: What's haggis?

Sheamus: _gasps _Boy…you read my thoughts! You've got the Shinning.

Jeff: You mean "Shining".

Sheamus: _sotto voice _Shh! You want to get sued? Now look, boy: If your Dad goes gaga, you just use that…Shin of yours to call me and I'll come a running. But don't be reading my mind between four and five. That's Sheamus' time!

_DiBiase stoops with scissors to cut a wire and picks up two crates of beer._

Adam: Yes, by cutting off cable TV and the beer supply, I can ensure an honest winter's work out of those low-lives.

DiBiase: Sir, did you ever stop to think that _closes car trunk _maybe it was doing this that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families?

Adam: Hmm…perhaps. Tell you what: we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a Coke.

_The two drive off for the winter._

_Inside, Punk sits on the couch, munching greasy heavily-salted snacks. He grabs the remote control, and turns on the TV._

Punk: _changing channels, seeing snow _Hmm. Cable's out. _Switch scene to kitchen. _Think I'll have a beer. _Opens fridge _Hmm. Not a drop in the house. What do you know.

Mickie: Punk, I'm impressed! You're taking this quite well.

Punk: _crazy _I'll kill you…I'll kill all of you!

Mickie: Punk!

Punk: Sorry, sorry. Don't worry…there's plenty I can do to keep myself occupied. Maybe I'll check out that axe collection. _Walks out, shuts door, then pops head back in. Evil _See you later…

Haylie: mom, is Dad going to kill us?

Mickie: We're just going to have to wait and see.

_Punk sits in the deserted lodge bar._

_A ghostly Shad materializes behind the bar._

Shad: So, what'll be, Punk?

Punk: Shad…gimme a beer!

Shad: No. Not unless you kill your family.

Punk: Why should I kill my family?

Shad: Uh…they'd be much happier as ghosts.

Punk: You don't look so happy.

Shad: _angry _Oh, I'm happy. I'm very happy—la la la, la la la la. See? _Grabs Punk. _Now waste your family, and I'll give you a beer!

_Mickie walks into a darkened room calling for her husband._

Mickie: Punk? Punkey? Hmm…_notices typewriter _Whast he's typed will be a window into his madness. _Reads it _"Feelin' find" Whoa! That's a relief. _Lightning strikes, revealing "No TV and no beer make Punk go crazy" scribbled all over the walls. _Mmm…this is less encouraging—

Punk: _bursting in. _Hello!

Mickie: Aah!

Punk: So what do you think, Mickie? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of, "No TV and No Beer Make Punk" something something.

Mickie: _timid _"Go Crazy"?

Punk: Don't mind if I do!

_Punk makes crazy noises and faces, then charges Mickie. She runs over to a glass care enclosing a baseball bat, breaks the glass, and grabs it, threatening Punk._

Punk: Give me the bat, Mickie

_Punk backs Mickie slowly up some stairs. She swings it at him as he continues to ask her for it. Eventually he laughs and calls her a scaredy cat, making a hideous face. Catching sight of his own hideous face in a mirror causes him to faint with fright and fall down the stairs, unconscious._

_Mickie hauls his body into a cold storage room, leaving him there with;_

Mickie: You stay here until you're no longer insane.

_Noticing some cans, she comments;_

Mickie: Hmm…chilli would be good tonight.

_She walks out, closing the door behind her._

_Punk wakes up and is in heaven, stuffing his face with food._

_Punk stuffs his face._

Shad: _through door _Punk? It's Shad. Uh, look: some of the ghouls and I are a little concerned the project isn't moving forward.

Punk: Can't murder now: eating.

Shad: Oh, for crying out loud…

_Shad and some other ghouls come in and drag Punk out against his will._

_The rest of the family sit around peacefully eating dinner. Outside the door, Punk chops his way in with an axe._

Punk: _chops through door _Heeeeere's Johnny! _Camera pulls back to reveal empty room _D'oh!

Punk: _Chops through another door _Daaaaavid Letterman!

Flair: Hi David, I'm Grampa.

Punk: D'oh!

Punk: _chops through another door and holding a ticking stopwatch _I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morely Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on "60 Minutes"!

Family: Aah!

_They run into a room with a radio. Mickie calls out for help._

Mickie: _into microphone _Hello, police? This is Mickie Brooks. My husband is on a murderous rampage. Over.

_Shot of Chief Santino listening._

Santino: _sighs _Well thank God that's over. I was worried there for a second. _Turns off radio._

Mickie: No answer

Jeff: Don't worry Mom. I can use my…_looks confused _"Shinning"…to call Sheamus. _Concentrates._

_Sheamus watches TV in a little house._

Cody: And that was the first time she'd ever flown a plane.

Sheamus: Uh oh. The little fat boy and his family are in trouble, _runs outside, throws TV in the snow. _I'm coming to rescue the lot of you! _Opens door to lodge _All right, loony: Show me what you got. _Punk drives an axe into his back. _Aw, is that the best you can do? _Collapses._

Mickie: Oh, my. I hope that rug was Scotchgarded.

_Punk drones "Must Kill Family" and walks towards them menacingly with the axe. They run outside into the snow, but Punk gains on them. As he raises the axe high above his head to chop, Haylie notices the TV Sheamus had thrown in the snow._

Haylie: Dad, look! _Holds TV up._

Punk: Television! Teacher, mother, _lusty _secret lover. Urge to kill…fading…fading…fading—rising! Fading…fading. _Family sighs _Come, family. Sit in the snow with Daddy and let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow. _Hours later, everyone is frozen._

Man: _on TV _Live, from Broadway, it's the Tony Awards, with your hosts Tyne Daly and Hal Linden!

Jeff: _with difficulty _Punk…change channel!

Punk: Can't! Frozen! _Music on TV: "One chorus line of people…" _Urge to kill…rising…


	13. Time and Punishment

_It's another beautiful Chicago morning. Punk waxes philosophical around the breakfast table._

Punk: You know, Mickie, I've had my share of troubles, but sitting here now with you and the kids in our cozy home in this beautiful free country…it just makes me feel that I'm really a lucky guy.

Haylie: Dad! Your hand is jammed in the toaster!

_Everyone screams; Punk runs around._

Punk: Aah! Get it off! Get it off! _Slams it into things _Get it off of me! _Throws it off, sighs, slumps down to the floor._

Jeff: Dad! It's in there again!

_Punk takes the battered toaster down to the basement._

Punk: This shouldn't be too hard to fix…with the right tools. _Breaks it open with a rock._

_The sun rises the next day as Punk makes the final repairs._

Punk: There…better than new! _Puts final panel on toaster; inside lights blink _Now to take her for a test toast. _Pops break in; toaster flashes. _What the—_he grabs it; they both disappear. They fly down a swirly vortex with clocks around them _Look at that! I'm the first non-Brazilian person to travel backwards through time.

Zack: Correction, Punk: You're the second.

Curt: That's right, Mr. Peabody!

Zack: Quiet, you.

_Punk arrives in the dinosaur age._

Punk: I've gone back to the time when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos!

_A pterodactyl flies overhead, and Punk begins to panic._

Punk: Aah! Ok, don't panic—remember the advice your father gave you on your wedding day. _Remembers Flair with hair and a tuxedo._

Flair: If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything because even the tiniest change can alter the future in ways you can't imagine.

Punk: Fine. As long as I stand perfectly still and don't touch anything, I won't destroy the future _a mosquito flies in _Stupid big! You go squish now! _Swats it_

_Punk realizes what he's one._

Punk: But that was just one little insignificant mosquito. That can't change the future, right? Right? _He asks a passing bearlike creature, who shrugs and grunts "I dunno". The toast pops and Punk finds himself back in his basement._

Punk: Phew! I'm back. _Walks up stairs to kitchen where family eats breakfast. _Aw, my loving family! Nothing's changed. _A buzzer goes off; a TV screen morphs from the floor._

Hunter: _on TV _Heidely-ho, slaverinos!

Family: Okily dokily.

Punk: Hey, what the hell is that geek Hunter doing on TV? _A siren goes off._

Hunter: Oh! I see by the Big Board we got a Negative Nellie in Sector Two. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask the whole family to kind of freeze and preparer for Re-Huntication.

Jeff: Don't you remember, Dad? Hunter is the unquestioned lord and master of the world.

Punk: D'oh!

_The house rumbles as a giant flying truck loads it onto itself, secures it, and flies off into the "Re-Huntication Center"_

Hunter: _on a TV _Ok, everybody, let's see some biiig smiles! _Hooks descent on audience, forcing their cheeks apart _Just relax and let the hooks do their work.

Punk: _to the man next to him _What the hell are you smiling about?

_Afterwards, Punk massages his cheeks as he stands in a room with many other men clad in green and pink._

Hunter: _on a TV _Now, in case all that smiling didn't cheer you up, there's one thing that never fails: a nice glass of warm milk, a little nap-and a total frontal lobotomy.

Shad: _slowly _It's not so bad, Punk. They…go in through your nose and…they let you keep the piece of brain they cut out. Look! _Holds up a jar with a piece of brain in it. _Ooh! Hello! Hello there! Who's that big man there? Who's that?

Jeff+Haylie: _droning _Join us, father.

Mickie: _droning _It's bliiiiiisssss…

Punk: Nooo!

_Punk runs off in a panic as another siren goes off. Some ferocious attack dogs are released; they chase him coraciously._

Punk: _Punks gets chased by dogs _Oh no, they're gaining on me. Wait! I have an idea! _Reaches into shirt, pulls out wieners. _These wieners will give me the quick energy I need to escape. _Eats them, pours on speed._

Punk: I gotta go back….fix future! _Finding the toaster again and pushing the handle down. Punk arrives in the past _This time I'm not going to touch a thing. _A tyrannosaurus rex attacks him _Aah! _Hopping away _Mustn't crush…mustn't kill…made it! _Sits on a fish that walk out of the water _Ohh, I wish, I wish I hadn't killed that fish.

_The toaster pops and Punk is transported back to the present._

Punk: _walking into empty kitchen _Hey, where is everybody? _Giant Haylie pops through window, rips roof off house_

Jeff: Hey…there's a bug that looks like Dad. Let's kill it!

Haylie: _gruff _Ok.

_The giant children's fists pound the floor as Punk runs off and transports back in time again. He arrives panting, only to have the tyrannosaur threaten him again—but this time he sneezes. The dinosaur sniffles, then sneezes and collapses. All the dinosaurs do the same, dropping dead in a long line._

Punk: This is gonna cost me.

_Arriving back in the present, he notices the layout of the house has changed for the richer._

Punk: D'oh! I mean…hey.

Jeff: Good morning, father dear. _Hands him comics _Hope you're well.

Haylie: Are we taking the new Lexus to Aunt Trish and Amy's funeral today?

Punk: Hmm, fabulous house, well behaved kids, sisters in law dead, luxury Sedan…woo hoo! I hit the jackpot. _Sits down _Mickie, dear, would you kindly pass me a doughnut?

Mickie: Doughnut? What's a doughnut?

Punk: Aah! Aah! _Pushes toaster handle, disappears_

_Doughnuts start to fall from the sky_

Mickie: Hmm. It's raining again.

_Punk arrives home again and opens the door to be greeted by Sheamus._

Sheamus: You're still not in your own world, Punk! I can get you home, but you have to do exactly as I—argh! _Maria axes him._

Maria: _James Earl Jones voice _This is indeed a disturbing universe.

_In the past, Punk yells angrily,_

Punk: Don't touch anything? I'll touch whatever I feel like! _Smashing plants and squishing creatures left and right. In the present, his house changes rapidly among an igloo, a stone house, the original McDonald's, an underwater house, a boot, and a Jeff Sphinx. The two green aliens watch from their spaceship._

Cena: Foolish earthling…totally unprepared for the effects of time travel.

_Aliens laugh, then change into Zack and Curt_

Cena: _in Curt's voice _What happened to us, Heath?

Heath: _in Zack's voice _Quiet, you.

_Punk finally arrives back panting and walks slowly up the basement._

Mickie: Good morning, dear.

Punk: What's my name? What colour is the sky? What are doughnuts? What? For the love of God, tell me!

Mickie: Punk, the sky is blue, doughnuts are plentiful, Friday is T.G.I.F night on ABC. What's gotten into you?

Punk: Nothing….nothing at all. Let's just eat.

_Everyone but Punk eats with long forked tongues._

Punk: Ehh, close enough.


	14. Nightmare Cafeteria

_The scene opens on Jeff's classroom running amok as usual. Jeff whistles to get his classmates' attention._

Jeff: Hey everybody! Let's all turn our desks backwards before Mrs. Kelly comes in! _everyone agrees vociferously. Laughs, looks around _Huh? _He's the only one facing backwards._

Kelly: All right, backwards boy, back your butt down to detention.

_Jeff walks off sullenly. He arrives to see the detention room stuffed full._

Show: Over here, Brooks. The detention room is dangerously overcrowded so you'll be serving your time in the cafeteria.

Kid: _pressed against glass _Oxygen running out—

Show: Yes, you should have thought of that before you made that paper airplane!

_Jeff takes his seat next to Drew in the crowded cafeteria._

Show: This overcrowding in detention is becoming critical. It's a powderkeg waiting to go off in an explosion of unacceptable behaviour.

Rosa: Don't bitch to me, boss man. Thanks to the latest budget cuts I'm down to using Grade F meat!

Show: Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was some sort of common solution to both our problems?

Rosa: That would be great.

Drew: Hey Jeff, watch this _trips Rosa. Stew plashes _Oh no! My favourite outfit.

Show: _threatening _Drew, this is by far the worst—_licks finger, says: "mmm", tries some more. _–er, Drew, why don't you "assist" lunch lady Rosa in the kitchen?

Drew: Bite me, Show.

Show: Well might we.

_Behind the closed kitchen door_

Drew: It's hard for me to clean this giant pot when you keep spilling meat tenderizer all over me. _Click _Oh great, now I gotta work in the dark.

_At lunch, Mr. Swagger, Miss McCool, and Mrs Kelly eat hamburgers._

Kelly: Mmm, mmm, mmm. This sandwich tastes so young and impudent, heh heh. Show, what's with the good grub?

Show: Mmm, well perhaps I out to let you folks in on a secret! Do you remember me telling Drew McIntyre that I would "make something of him" one day?

Kelly: _gasps _Are you saying you killed Drew, processed his carcass, and served him for lunch? _Show taps his nose _Hah!

_Jeff gets served a ladleful of some meat dish._

Jeff: Hmm, I wonder where Drew is today? He should have beaten us up for our lunch money an hour ago.

Justin: _cutting in line _Oh, lunch lady? Please to have another sloppy Drew? _To Jeff _Das ist gut, nein? _Chomps._

Show: Now that's your third helping, young man, making you fat and soft…_licks lips _and tender. Er, you just cut in line, didn't you? Report to detention, Justin.

Justin: For how long?

Show: _quietly _Oh, about seven minutes a pound should do it.

_The next day's lunch is a special Oktoberfest celebration. Lunch lady Rosa is dressed for the occasion with buns in her hair._

Rosa: Ok, I got your German grub right here. _Serves Jeff, who eats, and walks away._

Haylie: Jeff, does it strike you as odd that Justin disappeared and suddenly they're serving this mysterious food called "Justenbratin"?

Show: _walks up in leiderhosen _Oh, relax, kids, I've got a gut feeling Justin is around here somewhere. _Chuckles _After all, isn't there a little Justin in all of us? _Chuckles _In fact, you might even say we just ate Justin and he's in our stomachs right now! _Laughs _Wait…scratch that one.

_Haylie and Jeff run down stairs that evening in a panic._

Haylie: Mom! Mom1 You've gotta help: they're cooking kids in the school cafeteria!

Mickie: Listen, kids: you're eight and ten years old now. I can't be fighting all your battles for you.

Jeff: But Mom—

Mickie: No buts! You march right back to that school, look them straight in the eye, and say "Don't eat me!"

Jeff+Haylie: _disappointed _Okay.

_A much-fatter Mrs Kelly writes "Homework: eat a stick of butter" on the blackboard._

Kelly: Since so many students have been put on permanent detention. _Burp _we've merged everyone into a single class. I trust there are no objections? _Jeff, Haylie, Primo, Josh and Miz say nothing. Josh shivers I fright and his pencil falls to the floor. Mrs Kelly looks up, point to the halls and says:_

Kelly: Detention.

_Josh looks appealingly at Primo and Miz who look away, and he leaves the class._

_Primo gasps as he notices Mrs K reading "The Joy of Cooking Primo"_

Primo: Hey, you guys, I was just thinking that any of us could be next. So what do you say we make a break for it? _The two Brooks children nod, and the three crawl out of the room._

_As they tiptoe down the hall, Jeff can't resist looking into the detention room. It's now set up with small cages in which children are given some sort of IV. Truth looks harrard in his cage and he skaes convulsively, bringing an admonishment from Show._

Show: Easy there, young man, you'll only make yourself tired and stringy. Now, to check on the free-range children. _He continues, looking out the window at a pasture of children running around._

_Lunch Lady Rosa catches the children escaping and she walked towards them slowly with an eggbeater._

Sheamus: Hold on, kids! I'm coming to rescue the lot of you _Show appears and axes him _Argh! Oh, I'm bad at this.

_The children are backed down the hall towards the auditorium._

Show: I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Jeff Brooks. Yes…I believe I'll start, as you've so often suggested, by eating your shorts. _Show turns a food processor on to "goofify" and backs the children towards it._

Jeff: Don't worry, guys. Something always comes along to save us. _Primo falls off the edge into the blender _Uh, nevertheless I remain confident that something will come along and save the two Brooks children…

_Jeff wakes up screaming_

Mickie: Relax, honey, you were just having a crazy nightmare. You're back with your family now where there's nothing to be afraid of…except that fog that turns people out.

Jeff: Huh?

Punk: Uh oh, it's seeping in. Stupid cheap weatherstripping!

_The family are indeed inside out. _


End file.
